Saturday, July 3, 2010

I talk more to Elli about the events of last night and the perception that Alice simply was trying to make me feel jealous by wanting to spend the night (in Elli’s bed). Elli was upset feeling used and angry about the hypocrisy of the situation. I encouraged Elli to wait at least 24 hours so she could let the emotional gamut run its course then share her feelings about that in a conversation with Alice. Elli jumped the gun and sent a text to Alice that night and then Alice shot a text to me and long story short Elli shut down, Alice shut down and I’m shut out. I was completely shut out and ironically I was the only one who was verbally communicating with all parties and keeping my emotions in check.

Friday July 2, 2010

This evening I had a date night with Evey. I met her at her apartment and she cooked me dinner. We caught up on our lives over the last month and I told her of my new relationship with Alice. Alice and Evey know each other from the fetish scene but are not really friends. Evey and I also talked about what kind of sexual play her dominant would allow us to have together and as a courtesy to my other relationship I sent a text to both Elli and Alice asking if they had and issue with me having limited sexual play with Evey. Think oral and masturbation as opposed to penetration.

Elli of course was completely ok with it and was encouraging as always and Alice gave the ok but I could tell by her text she had reservations. I again attempted to clarify and offered a dialog with Alice but she didn’t take me up on the offer. Evey and I then proceeded to a friends wedding party then returned to her apartment to play. On the way home Alice texted me, asking me if it were ok to bring her dog over to spend the night. This wasn’t planned mind you and I took it as Alice was uncomfortable with me being with Evey so Alice was going to make me uncomfortable by spending the night in Elli’s bed. Needless to say I put my plans with playing with Evey on hold and called Alice where we talked for over an hour. She was insecure stemming from her past two breakups and also being a hypocrite without admitting to it. Remember she slept with Ryan after only 3weeks I have been seeing Evey consistently for over several months. Alice knew about Evey from the very beginning I was always honest and up front. My night ended on a stressful note.

Thursday July 1, 2010

Went to see Dr Grossman again. My testosterone level went down a bit and my estrogen went up another 10 points so I was told to double up on my weekly dosage of Anastrazole. I also elected to begin to take 0.5mg of Human Chorionic Gonadotropin intravenously once daily. In males, hCG helps restore and maintain testosterone production in the testes by mimicking LH and triggering the production and release of testosterone. The idea is to get my only testical to permanently produce double the amount of testosterone. Since the testical is smaller then average size it may not be able to fulfill such a request. It’s worth a shot before I under go Testosterone hormone replacement therapy that will be a life long therapy.

Latter I went over to Alice’s apartment. She was very stressed I could feel it as I approached her. We talked about her situation was Cleave at one point she got so upset she got up from the couch and went into the kitchen. I told her how I felt about my thoughts on what is swinging, poly and just being single. I told her how I felt about her sleeping with Ray after only knowing him for 3 weeks. I was not blaming or ordering her around rather I was sincere with my feelings and compared and contrasted her approach with Elli with that of Rays. Don't know how much she actually heard.

Friday 25, 2010

I had a date night with Elli and we ate dinner at the Tilted Kilt. I enjoyed the eye candy but reflected upon when I first seen Elli in her little Kilt. I remember thinking our paths will cross again and she will play a major role in my life. I am gifted in this manner and have only been wrong once in my lifetime. I’m very fortunate to have Elli in my life.

Thursday 24, 2010

I went and had more blood work again to check my testosterone and estrogen levels.

Wednesday June 23, 2010

Elli’s body and mind suffered from stress and was in need of a good beating. As I layed my canes out one by one I wished for a gag for her mouth and a length of rope for her limbs. She loves to squirm and she is loud, the new apartment affords us much less privacy then my condo did. The neighbors at the condominium were accustomed to the screams of pleasure and pain. Here in the apartment complex such tauntings of the soul were likely to summon the police. To complicate things even more we had a guest in Elli’s room a guest who would not be able to understand or appreciate BDSM play.

I would have rather just ravaged her body with my fists but we agreed upon the canes. As I unleashed the wooden canes on her flesh and felt her body struggle underneath them I fantasized about raping her anally. I breathed in deep the primal energy of fear and violence and tasted the temptations of a killer. It was here deep within the darkness of my being that I came to realize the sadist who I had imprisoned long ago but now decided to free. I had awakened the starving beast of the field a beast that now refuses to sleep.

Monday June 21, 2010 Alice and her heart.

I worked out with Alice at the gym putiing her through a tough leg rotunie that she handled very well. Latter we went back to her place and did some needle play and she did some canning to my calfs. I had the pleasure of playing with her young firm breasts and let my fingers roam the rest of her body. I haven’t had sex with Alice yet, our relationship was born from the brothels of tribulation and our romance of the flesh and spirit has been carefully cultivated in the gardens of love. In a world saturated by lust we are like virgins our hearts tender and innocent yet our desire is intense. I long for more then just her flesh I want to earn her trust and experience her love.