Thursday July 16, 2010

Generally I go over to Alice’s and spent time with her but not tonight. She’s still processing the event from a few weeks ago. Still I call her and talk to her about Elli’s and my blowout and Alice helps me to finally realize how I violated Elli’s emotional trust, why she feels that way and why I don’t. First and foremost though I’m entitled to my own opinion about their relationship I don’t need to constantly grate it. Seconded their relationship is their own it doesn’t have to mean anything or make sense to me because it is not mine. Lastly Elli values my opinion and thoughts and when I speak negatively about her relationships, she takes it as a personal failure in both relationships and it hurts her to her core. Elli and I see the world very differently. In order for her to feel validated she needs me to love every little thing about her and love her unconditionally. By me rejecting in whole or in part her relationship with Amy I was essentially rejecting her as a person. I on the other hand can love, be indifferent or not love things about a person but still love them as a whole and be okay with that. It is simply a different approach to relationships and to life it is also a point of contention during communication with Elli and I.

Wednesday July 15, 2010

I still haven’t heard from Evey no return texts or phone calls. I hope she is okay.

Tuesday July 14, 2010

Renee should be back from Europe soon. It will be good to see her again after all this time. I wonder if we will be able to reconnect and if so if we can have a deep and meaningful sexual and emotional relationship? How am I going to fit another relationship into my schedule? If so can I really take on another relationship? I’m getting ahead of myself, I just need to take it as it comes and try not to force it either way.

Sunday July 11, 2010

Common sense seeps back into my stubborn mindset and I am more rational. I still do not fully understand why Elli feels that I emotionally violated her trust? I just told her how I felt about her relationship with Amy but my thoughts on their relationship have never changed they have always been consistent and exactly the same. I was also honest about how I felt their relationship negatively affected ours and gave concrete examples. I wasn’t very sensitive during my presentation but does this constitute a violation of emotional trust? I guess I feel as if I either have to be very subtle or sugarcoat things for Elli otherwise it becomes an emotional tempest that I am ill prepared to deal with. I guess I really don’t feel that connected to her anymore. Still… I just don’t get it, I just don’t understand. I violated her emotional trust? What the fuck does that mean???

Saturday July 10, 2010

When Elli returns home from work we again go back and forth. Now it is her turn to hurt me and she does. Emotionally I feel very abandon, lost and confused. I go to bed wishing that I would have never become so emotionally vulnerable to her. I sincerely regret moving in with her. I feel trapped…

Friday July 9, 2010

I get into a huge argument with Elli. It is by far the most significant and hurtful argument we have ever had. I throw both caution and common sense out the window and speak from emotional frustration and brutal honesty. My words are cruel and unforgiving they cut like a sharp knife and are buried deep within her heart. In my selfishness I feel relieved…

Thursday July 8, 2010

Elli is with Amy tonight over at Amy’s place and I take the night to myself. I watch a documentary, read and surf the net. I think about my past, present and future. I go to bed frustrated.