Saturday May 22, 2010

The nightmare of last night has becomes today’s reality. I could with my talent put my thoughts and feelings into words but I simply don’t want the world to know. Something’s should never be written down or spoken aloud.

Friday May 21, 2010-swinger couple

Amy, Elli and myself ventured to the Milkbar on Broadway to meet a swinger couple. Will call them Ted and Liz. The initial meeting was to see if there was any chemistry between us and if so Elli and I were going to talk latter as to how far we wanted to explore the whole swinging concept as it differs greatly from poly. The Milkbar is a hip little club but as it turned out it was closed on Fridays so we decided to go next door to club Vinyl. It was 18 and over and very crowed. Though I did enjoy a few beers I paced myself because when meeting new people especially for our purposes its important to have your social filters in place. Elli drank only a few drinks as well but she hand hadn’t eaten earlier and the effects of the alcohol were more pronounced. Ted and Liz didn’t get the club until much latter and what should have been a rather simple, relaxed test the waters evening turned into a rather heavy touch and kiss session between Elli and Ted.

Ted and Liz hadn’t been there at the club that long and I only was able to talk to Ted for about ten minutes before Elli planted herself on his lap and stick her tongue down his throat, where it stayed. I could see that Amy was uncomfortable with the situation and after all who could blame her it was technically Amy and Elli’s date night (Elli double booked) and I was equally becoming uncomfortable as well. I really felt as if Elli was being very rude and obnoxious with her actions going from 0 to 60 in twenty minutes without ever-consulting Amy or myself and ignoring us both. Even my attempt at pulling Elli aside and telling her to slow down and not to ignore Amy failed. I was hurt and angry and though I felt some jealousy the main thing I was feeling was a powerful and overwhelming sense of abandonment. Elli was doing whatever she wanted despite our prior plan she was breaking my trust right in front of me adding insult to injury. I was devastated but my friend anger came quickly to my aid and fury flowed through my veins. I managed to pry Elli out of the club and get her into the car. It was a long miserable ride home and eventually I got tired of yelling. If I had driven my car I would have made the bitch walk. I hadn’t been that angry and hurt in over a decade. When we got back to our apartment complex I took the scenic route back to the apartment I desperately needed time to cool off and collect my thoughts. My sleep was short and restless I didn’t want to have to face the day.

Tuesday May 18, 2010 writing contest

I am going to enter my first writing contest sponsored by http://stiryourtea.blogspot.com/ I thought it would be fun and challenging and it was. It’s a beginning of a story that I came up with completely on a whim. It was challenging because I tend to write adult themed stories filled with sex, drugs and serial killers but not with this piece. Nope, I wrote about a Johnny Do Good and I got extra points for using the following words esophagus, pterodactyl, arrowhead and laptop. It was a fun little project that exercised the mind. I might have to enter more contest who knows maybe one day I’ll win something down the road.

Johnny Do Good was his name and he rode his Segway through the esophagus of the Mall like a biker rides his Harley to Sturgis. Johnny named his electronic beast after his favorite dinosaur the Pterodactyl a fast and furious monster that commanded the ancient skies. Johnny was a free spirit but a man of determination and purpose. When he wasn’t reading his Batman comic books he was known to frequent his seconded home the Arrowhead Mall. Johnny felt a sense fraternal brotherhood with the other mall security personnel a bond that was evident by they way they choose to wear their Mountie hats. The hats conveyed a sense of adventure and attitude a small group of elite mall security officers giving directions and upholding mall policies. Risking life and limb, armed only with a laptop and a smile Johnny would saddle his beloved Pterodactyl and ride the beast down the darken services corridors were employees were known to roam. This is a bold story of a modern day hero, his Pterodactyl and the epic battle of good and evil.

Monday May 17, 2010 Evening with Anna

Spent the evening with Anna over at her place. We talked and took a long walk in a park then we went out for dinner and afterwards took another long walk. We finished off the night by cuddling and watching the movie The Cell a suspense thriller that combines fetishism and surrealism against a back drop of a dark dreamscape. I really like Anna and look forward to having a meaningful relationship with her. Anna isn’t meant to replace Elli I don’t intend on replacing relationships rather seek to compliment each other so that one person isn’t responsible for meeting all my needs, wants and desires.

Sunday May 16, 2010 Dinner

La Shonda (a previous girlfriend and still best friend) came over this evening and had dinner with Elli and I. We all had a good time hanging out, eating and talking. I’m fortunate that Elli is secure and comfortable enough with our relationship to be able to allow an ex-girlfriend over for dinner. It helps of course that she is remarried and has a child with her husband Josh :) It also helped that I was patient and proper with introduction in the very beginning.

Saturday May 15, 2010 reflection

Elli spent the night with Amy and Ana is spending the night with Chris so I stay at home by myself and enjoy a free night. After the gym I head back to the apartment cook myself dinner and decide to watch one of the several documentaries I got at the library. The one I watch is entitled Gang War: Bangin’ in Little Rock. Yes, Little Rock Arkansas where in 1994 the homicide rate was higher than in both New York and Los Angeles. Little Rock Arkansas a city of only a 177,000 with well over 50 different gangs held hostage by a problem it refused to admit for several years. I work with former and current gang members so I was familiar with the topic and mindset. I know all to well of the dysfunctional family and the anti-social behavior a hopeless and desperate youth thoroughly entrenched in the criminal mentality. The documentary was a sad reflection on today’s current social affairs and how truly little some of us value human life.

Friday May 14, 2010 full circle

Elli and I want to Went to Nikki’s poker party. It had been a long while since I’ve seen Nikki and though or break up wasn’t ugly a distance came between us since then. Why did Nikki and I break up? First and foremost I struggled with the power dynamics of the relationship that at the end of the day felt reminiscent of the power dynamics between my mother and I in my childhood. I also had difficulty feeling connected emotionally as a secondary relationship and finally I was under a terrible amount of stress and time constraint from my job. What have I learned since then? I’ve learned a great deal more about what my needs, wants and desires. I’ve learned that that the very first template of how to have a relationship that I was taught 30 years ago still has a profound influence on me. I’ve learned a lot about relationships, jealousy, and communication. I’ve learned that even though I’m a 39-year-old man in many ways I’m a very young boy who wants to be loved.

When I first arrived I was a bit anxious, not because of Elli and Nikki (that’s another story) but because of Elli and Anna. I wondered how Elli would react to Anna knowing that we had just been on a date a few days prior. I also wondered how Ana would act towards Elli. The girls like each other very much and I quickly realized that I was not only over thinking the situation but projecting my own insecurities out on them from prior relationships. I checked in with Elli before we went to bed and Anna called me the next day to also check in. Communication, it’s important.

I said my goodbyes and gave Nikki a big hug before we left. Nikki said she missed me very much and that I was one of her favorite masochist. She said she didn’t hold any grudges or have any bad feelings and hope to see more of Elli and I. Nikki appeared very happy with her two boys and their dominant/submissive relationship dynamic. I was happy for her but somewhere deep down I silently wished that I could have provided that for Nikki but that’s not me and I have to continue to be true to myself.