I had a few different Dr. appointments today but the most important was seeing DR. Grossman of the Male Care Center. He has been the only Doctor that I have seen that gave me a full examination, ran thorough blood work and listen to my concerns about how I felt.
The original problem began at birth. I was born with a bilateral hernia (both testicals were up inside of me) and while the testis sometimes descend on their own, mine never did. This caused a huge hormonal imbalance that was not addressed until my first of three surgeries beginning when I was thirteen. At first I had know idea that my testicals never descended and then I was terrible embarrassed that my friends had balls and I had none. I secretly hoped that they would magical appear but they never did.
The majority of circulating testosterone in men comes from production in the interstitial cells of Leydig at the testicles and since one of my testis were floating up inside of me and the other was imbedded in a muscle, my body primarily relied on the adrenal gland that could only produce a small amount of testosterone. The regulation of testicular production occurs via a negative feedback loop system involving the anterior pituitary, hypothalamus, and testicles; referred to as the hypothalamic-pituitary-testicular axis. The situation surrounding my bi-lateral hernia interfered with this feedback loop and slowly created a huge imbalance between the male testosterone hormone and the female estrogen hormone.
By the time I reached my preteens I “felt” inwardly like a female though outwardly I was obviously male. I preferred anal simulation to masturbation and derived great pleasure from self preformed fellatio. I was found of dressing up in bra’s, panties and high heels spending hours dressing up in front of a mirror or pouring over pornography and identifying as the woman. I felt extremely guilty and terrible confused I was undergoing a severe sexual identity crises and I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. I didn’t know how important the male testosterone hormone and the female estrogen hormone played out both in n internal sexual identification and physical genital formation after all I was a kid not even a teenager yet. For all knew I was a sinful freak of nature.
It was only after years of undergoing horrific pain that I would feel in my right side while running during gym class that finally lead me to approach my mother and demand going to see a Doctor. After a routine physical by a family practitioner I was immediately referred to a urologist. I never revealed to the urologist about my sexual identity struggle instead I kept this struggle a secret until my twenties and even then I watered down my concern. Meanwhile the urologist scheduled a surgery to correct this physical problem, time it seemed was of the essence. It was imperative that we attempt to save at least one testical though the outlook was not very good. The testicals work best a few degrees below the core temperature, one of the reasons they are located outside the body.
The plan for the initial surgery was to take down both testis but because the right side alone took over 12 hours (the testical was imbedded in a muscle) we had to reschedule the left side. I can honestly say that the pain I felt after the first surgery was by far the most pain I have felt during the entire course of my life. I have had Staph infection in my left arm and almost lost it and had the tip of my left finger chopped off but nothing compares to the pain I felt during the first hernia operation.
After the operation I had to be given testosterone shots for a few weeks because my testosterone levels were so low. I also had other shots to help kick start my testicals natural production, the doctors kept their fingers crossed. Months passed as we waited to see if the testical would take and it did. The testical was abnormally small but the little guy was producing testosterone. At age thirteen I began puberty as a male. Mentally I “felt” different then before, I guess you could say I felt like a guy and looked like a guy but I missed, even longed to be female. It’s difficult enough to go through puberty much less juggling your sexual identity and preference. I was born in a small city in Wyoming it was very much the Wild West. When I was a teen the minorities lived on the other side of town, we didn’t have openly gay people and I had no clue what transgender or transsexual were. All I knew is that I felt really, really fucked up in my head and I could never dream of talking about it to anyone so I suffered alone year after year. Meanwhile an attempt was made to bring down my left testical but it didn’t take and so I went through a third operation were they finally removed the left testical and replaced it with a prosthesis.
Tough my right side testical was producing testosterone my over all testosterone levels were on the low side and the doctors said that there would probably come a time when I would have to under go hormone replacement therapy but there was no clear indication as to when. Though I didn’t have a clue what a bi sexual was I spent my early teen years self medicating and sexually experimenting with girls and boys as I desperately tried to figure out if I was male, female or simply homosexual. Though I identified as a female during sex with males I was not really attracted to them. I enjoyed having an orgasm with a women but I didn’t really feel like a guy when I was having sex with them. I became even more confused. In my late teens something happen like a switched had been flipped. It was if one day I woke up and had been stripped of all things feminine. I thought like a guy, I felt like a guy and I fucked like a guy. I didn’t miss being a girl at all it was if my entire past was just a weird dream and nothing more. I spent the next few years with sexual clarity and no confusion but I began to have issues with homosexuals and suspected transvestites as my subconscious still struggled with who I was and who I had become.
In my mid twenties something familiar yet odd was happening again. I began to associate with a feminine self mentally with thoughts and especially sexually. Physically it “felt” like I was a female though I had a surprising well-developed penis. In a round about way I expressed concern about this to a doctor and explained my past operations so he did a testosterone test and while it did not come back extremely low, he didn’t think to run my estrogen level. Mind over matter I thought, so I denied how I “felt” as best I could and continued to self medicate. By my mid thirties I was pleasuring myself regularly anally and identified sexually with a woman. I was struggling with many things in my life during this period of time and being worried about turning into a woman was not in the forefront of my attention.
In my late thirties I entered into a completely new state of mental being, gender neutral. I didn’t really associate my self mentally or physically with a man or a woman. I went back to the doctor this time a female doctor explained the past operations and that internally and thought wise I didn’t feel right. When my testosterone test came back low but acceptable I asked to be referred to a specialist and was denied so I paid for one myself.
Enter present day with Grossman of the Male Care Center. I told him about my past and without nearly as much detail as here I told him of my past sexual and identity issues. He gave me a full examination, ran thorough blood work and listen to my concerns about how I felt. He went over treatment options and gave me a testosterone shot and told me I was very fortunate to have a fully developed penis. Most men with a similar issue have an under developed penis that is very small. I silently cursed the heavens I could have been John Holmes if my testicals would have descended! Well at least I still have a sense of humor.
