Saturday August 21, 2010

My body finally recuperates from the previous work shift. Renee comes over she is a sexy as the last time I seen her. I show her Ellis’ and my apartment then we take a long walk and talk about her trip to Europe and her previous relationships. We stop and eat lunch at the town square and I update her on my current relationships and some valuable lessons I learned on the way. Even though it’s been a long time since we last spoke or seen each other we pick up where we left off never missing a beat. While we walk back to my place I can’t help but to day ream about fulfilling one of her rape scene fantasies. Not today but soon…

Friday August 20, 2010

I wake up to the bright sunlight and the sound of construction from down below. I really cold have used a few more hours of sleep. I spend my day with Elli. We went to the Botanic Gardens and enjoyed the peacefully beautify it had to offer. I felt more connected to Elli today and less frustrated with the world. After the Gardens we went back to the apartment and we loaded music onto her new ipod and then I laid down for a nap and she went to spend some time with Amy who is still recovering in the hospital from back surgery. Latter I picked Elli up and we enjoyed a little embrace before eating dinner and watching a movie together. I go to sleep in my own bed and feel at peace with myself.

Thursday August 19, 2010

I went to bed early last night but I was still very tired when I awoke this morning. My job completely drained me both emotionally and physically. Over the past few years the job did provide me with an opportunity for personal growth and allowed me to help a few people along the way but it’s run is over. I need to move on perhaps into a relative mindless job where I can recharge and go back to school.

I spent a few hours with Alice this evening. I have missed her very much while she was on vacation. We reconnected emotional though it took a better part of two hours. We talked, ate a wonderful diner and went to the bookstore so I could purchase a copy of Shogun that both of us are going to read. I think that Alice will break my heart but I also firmly believe it will be worth the ride. I left Alice with gentle kiss goodbye and I picked up Elli from work that works nearby.

Wednesday August 18, 2010

After work I had a few drinks with some coworkers. Generally I skip the cocktails and go to the gym for a run or to lift weights but I’ve been really enjoying the company of Tracy one of my coworkers and we have been flirting a bit back and forth. At this stage it’s pretty innocent though she is married which always complicates things. She knows I’m poly however I doubt that she is willing to venture down that road. Do I see a pattern repeating itself?

Saturday August 14, 2010

I feel a little bit better and work a half a day at my job which is 8 hours. I skip my workout again because I still feel physically drained. I text Renee back and forth and agree to a date next Saturday. I need to schedule time with Alice on Thursday and Elli on Friday so I don’t know if I’ll have time to see Evey this week. What day does that leave me to be alone with my thoughts? It doesn’t. I need a job that is closer to an 8 or 10 hour day as opposed to a 12 or 16 hour day.

Friday August 13, 2010

I saw my therapist today. It’s been a few weeks since we were able to have a session. A lot has gone on since I last spoke to Abby. I went over the hormone therapy as well as stopping my antidepressant. I fell highly angry and very suspicious of women. As I talk to Abby I find myself wondering what a sociopath path gets out of being a serial killer? If you can’t feel the intensity of hate and anger and can’t empathize with your victims suffering then what really is the point? Oh that’s right I’m in a therapy session, I don’t have time for he myriad of personalities within me to dissect the finer points of personality disorders as they relate to serial killing!

I purchase a bottle of L-Tyrosine, L-Methionine and 5-HTP. It will take at least a week before I will be able to feel the effects if any.

I spend a little time with Elli but by the afternoon I falsely believe that she is angry with me and I feel very distant and frustrated. I feel sick and completely exhausted and decided to lay down. I don’t fully explain too Elli how I feel and what I think and in the end push her further away. Although I really looked forward to it I end up canceling my date with Alice tonight. I haven’t seen her in weeks and miss her very much but at the moment I feel lost and desperate. I need to be alone…

Thursday August 12, 2010

I slept in a few hours and then went to Evey’s apartment and hung out with her during the afternoon. We watched Fetish Circus it’s a decent porno so far as mainstream Fetish porno’s are concerned. Latter I stretched her out over her bed and gave her an orgasm with one of her favorite toys. She reciprocated with a hand job. I was hoping to experience the no gag reflex of hers that I’ve heard so much about but she has to clarify and clear that with her primary relationship. Poly slash Dominant slash submissive relationships can be overly complex and well… frustrating to say the least.

Wednesday August 11, 2010

Spent more time with Elli but I ended up going to bed tired and frustrated with the world. I’m no-longer filled with sorrow or struggling with suicidal thoughts rather I am becoming angry and intolerant of everything. “Some men want too see the whole world burn!”

Saturday August 7, 2010

I was able to and do some reading and writing. It seems as though I need more and more alone time in order to feel recharged. I don’t know if it’s because I was so accustomed to living by myself and am struggling with living with someone else now or if it is because of my cycling introverted nature or being off the Effexor? Perhaps it’s a little of the former exasperated by the latter.

Thursday August 5, 2010

I seen Dr. Grossman again today about the results of my blood work. I feel a difference not a huge difference but a difference both with my libido and sexual identification. I no longer “feel” gender neutral but I actually feel like a male. The hCG that I was taking intravenously was apparently helping to raise my testosterone but not by much. I could stay on it longer but the testical isn’t in the greatest of shape and the treatment for hCG is $180.00 for a 20 day supply that insurance wont cover. So at this point I’ve run out of options and have administered to myself the first of a lifetime of weekly testosterone shots. The only good news is that my estrogen was down 5 points. I feel disappointed in my previous care providers too include my parents and doctors as well as well as myself for not fully addressing the original problem earlier.

Wednesday August 4, 2010

Because of our extremely busy work schedules Elli and I have only managed to spend a few quality hours together in the past few weeks. Our relationship is strained and distant and I am overly tired and stressed. I have also been more agitated and much less patient with the world in general since I stopped taking the Effexor 37.5mg, but I was constantly grinding my teeth day and night and could not stop even when I was aware that I was grinding.

Friday July 30, 2010

On the way over to Alice’s apartment yesterday I began to think about our relationship and relationships in general. Alice is 24 and I am 39 so realistically it will not be a lifetime partner relationship but it is a, for “now” relationship with a strong possibility for a lifetime friendship. This concept of having multiple relationships open long-term, open short-term, closed long-term, closed short-term, polyfidelity, tribal poly, sectional poly sprinkled with a spontaneous sexual encounter or regular fuck buddy (providing your relationships contain that provision) and you have the majority of family and friends completely bewildered and shocked. Polyamory can and oftened is very difficult for most people to wrap their mind around.

Most of my generation was social programmed to believe that you could only be single or in a monogamous relationship with the opposite sex. Other then that you were a cheater or sexual maniac. No other legitimate relationship patterns existed outside of these two models. You grew up, you got married (to someone of the opposite sex) then you had a few kids and called it a day. That’s what you did. That’s what the government wanted, that’s what the church wanted, that’s what your community wanted and that’s what your family damn well expected!

Then came the birth of polyamory a new relationship model. What then is this new relationship model and how does it fit into my here and now? Though there are various definition that exist on polyamory the one that most closely resembles my own is the one given on Wikipedia:

Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

Polyamory, often abbreviated to poly, is sometimes described as consensual, ethical, or responsible non-monogamy. The word is occasionally used more broadly to refer to any sexual or romantic relationships that are not sexually exclusive, though there is disagreement on how broadly it applies; an emphasis on ethics, honesty, and transparency all around is widely regarded as the crucial defining characteristic.

"Polyamorous" can refer to the nature of a relationship at a given time, or be used as a description of a philosophy or relationship orientation (much like gender orientation), rather than a person's actual relationship status at a given moment. It is an umbrella term that covers various forms of multiple relationships; polyamorous arrangements are varied, reflecting the choices and philosophies of the individuals involved.

Polyamory differs from polygamy, which refers to multiple spouses. Traditional polygamy is usually patriarchical and often claims a religious justification. Polygamy laws do not generally contemplate polyandry because polyandrous persons do not lay legal claim as spouses. Polygamy laws tend to preserve and enhance matrimonial property laws. There is no legal restriction for polyamorists to simply create legally binding property agreements between multiple partners. In marital property law however, strict guidelines apply between two only persons. Polyamory, on the other hand, is a different outlook grounded in such concepts as gender equality, self-determination, free choice for all involved, mutual trust, equal respect among partners, the intrinsic value of love, the ideal of compersion, and other mostly secular ideals. As of July 2009, there are estimated to be more than 500,000 polyamorous relationships in the United States.[1][2]

The defining characteristic of polyamory is belief in the possibility of, and value of, multiple romantic loving relationships carried out "with the knowledge and consent of all partners concerned."[3] What distinguishes polyamory from traditional forms of non-monogamy (i.e. "cheating") is an ideology that openness, goodwill, intense communication, and ethical behavior should prevail among all the parties involved. Powerful intimate bonding among three or more persons may occur. Some consider polyamory to be, at its root, the generalization of romantic couple-love beyond two people into something larger and more fundamental.[4]

People who identify as polyamorous typically reject the view that sexual and relational exclusivity are necessary for deep, committed long-term loving relationships. Those who are open to, or emotionally suited for, a polyamorous lifestyle may be single or in monogamous relationships, but are often involved in multiple long term relationships such as a triad, quad, or intimate network.

In practice, polyamorous relationships are highly varied and individualized. Ideally they are built upon values of trust, loyalty, negotiation, and compersion, as well as rejection of jealousy, possessiveness, and restrictive cultural standards.[5] Such relationships are often more fluid than the traditional "dating-and-marriage" model of long-term relationships, and the participants in a polyamorous relationship may not have preconceptions as to its duration.

Sex is not necessarily a primary focus in polyamorous relationships. Polyamorous relationships commonly consist of groups of more than two people seeking to build a long-term future together on mutually agreeable grounds, with sex as only one aspect of their relationship.

Polyamory is a hybrid word: poly is Greek for many (or multiple) and amor is Latin for love. Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart's article "A Bouquet of Lovers" (Spring 1990) is widely cited as its source (although "polyamory" does not appear in the article).[6][7] Jennifer L. Wesp created the Usenet newsgroup alt.polyamory in May 1992,[8] and the Oxford English Dictionary cites the proposal to create that group as the first verified appearance of the word. However, such relationships existed long before the word. (The older term polyfidelity, a subset of polyamory, was coined in the 1970s in the Kerista commune.)

Most definitions center on the concepts of being open to, or engaging in, a lifestyle that potentially encompasses multiple loving relationships (of whatever form) where all parties are informed and consenting to the arrangement. However, no single definition of "polyamory" has universal acceptance; two common areas of difference arise regarding the degree of commitment (when does swinging become polyamory?) and whether it represents a viewpoint or a relational status quo (is a person open to the idea, but without partners at present, still "polyamorous"?). Similarly, an open relationship in which all participants are long-term friends might be considered "polyamorous" under broader usages of the word, but excluded from some of the tighter usages, since polyamorous relationships may or may not also be polyfidelitous (non-open, or faithful within the relationship).

I initially identified with polyfidelity and considered it the only legitimate form of polyamory but as has been the case many times throughout my learning processes with relationship models I have had to rethink, expand and remain open to possibilities. It’s been very difficult for me not to superimpose a monogamous model over a polyamorous model and remain free from cultural and upbringing bias when it comes to my thoughts about the broader definitions and implications of poly relationships, but fortunately I don’t have to go through this change and relationship development alone.

Having sex with multiple partners is not my motivating factor. I’ve been there and done that and while sex is a benefit to multiple relationships it is less important to me then creating and maintaining deep and meaningful relationships. This need for deep and meaningful relationships originated from my childhood and the inability to have a meaningful son-mother relationship because of her extremely emotional and physically abusive ways. My mistrust of adults in general and of woman in particular has its roots in my childhood and because of a history of dysfunctional relationships my perceptions of adults and women have been magnified and confirmed time and time again. On an intellectual level I can see this as a warped way of thinking colored by my unfortunate past but on emotional level I still fell deeply hurt and suspicious. We could probably attribute being attracted too and dating younger women at least partially to my childhood as well. It’s true that I like how a younger woman in her twenties looks physically and feels inside and out. I also feel younger when in their presence but on an emotional level I feel safer. I have always sought safety in my relationships but have rarely ever found it and even then it was fleeting. Some might say that I feel emotionally safer around younger women because I am emotionally superior but this is not true. If anything I am intellectually over developed and emotionally under developed. My emotional development was greatly hindered in my childhood and is probably less developed then most the younger women I date. I feel more comfortable emotionally around younger women because emotionally I feel there is less of an emotional gap and I feel more equal and therefore safe. I realize that this thought process is an erroneous perception of general reality but is very real as it relates to me. It is my reality, it is the way I feel and live it.

Some may say that I feel intellectually superior to the younger women I date and therefore feel I have more control over them or over the relationship at large. While this does have some merit I have always felt intellectually superior in the broadest sense of the term to anyone I have ever met. This sounds very egotistical and it is. I don’t know trivia, I know how the universe relates to me. Intellectually I live in a world that is much different then most people could ever imagine. It consists of abstract thought clashing with concrete reason flavored with philosophical and spiritual ingredients that borders on insanity and barely tethers me to this reality. The only intellectual equals that I have found are the several different personalities that exist in my primary ego and that are very real and important to my life. I wouldn’t consider myself schizophrenic however I am open to the idea of having schizophrenic tendencies and that is why the last time I underwent a psychological evaluation and testing I answered the questions “carefully.” After all crazy is as crazy does and I’m not crazy merely creative.

Three relationships is about all I can really manage at this point and hats off to those who have several. Imagine if I were dating all my personalities, now that would be crazy!

I imagine that my childhood compartmentalized dealings with my mother contribute to having more then one valid personality as well as the extreme hormonal imbalance I have experienced over the course of my life. Combine that with being an introvert and a over active imagination and presto! Well there you go I’m not crazy after all.

Thursday July 29, 2010

I go over to Alice’s apartment she’s ready to have a face to face talk. I’m glad that we have got this far and hope our relationship gets back on track. Despite the set back of a few weeks ago I still have deep feelings for Alice and connect with her on many levels. We had a long talk and were able to clarify both perspectives and feelings. We were able to communicate both are needs and our fears as well as our intentions for the future of our relationship. I walked away from our meeting very much in love.

Friday July 23, 2010

I spend time with Elli but we remain emotionally distant. Our relationship has changed in so many ways. We “check in” and it is a sad time of revelation. I wonder if anything will ever be the same?

Thursday July 22, 2010

Again I am alone with my thoughts and frustrations. I read and do a little writing and go to bed early.

Saturday July 18, 2010

The day slips through my hands and I don’t get any writing done. I really miss writing my blog and my short story.

Friday July 17, 2010

Elli and I create a “check in” time. It is a safe time that we can “check in” with each other and talk about what is going good in life and our relationship as well as what is bugging us or what we think needs improvement. We practice active listening and allow each other time to tell what’s on our mind before the other one responds. We don’t yell or be passive aggressive, instead we communicate openly and honestly. The “check in” lasts four hours and I walk away with a better understanding of myself and more importantly of her.

Thursday July 16, 2010

Generally I go over to Alice’s and spent time with her but not tonight. She’s still processing the event from a few weeks ago. Still I call her and talk to her about Elli’s and my blowout and Alice helps me to finally realize how I violated Elli’s emotional trust, why she feels that way and why I don’t. First and foremost though I’m entitled to my own opinion about their relationship I don’t need to constantly grate it. Seconded their relationship is their own it doesn’t have to mean anything or make sense to me because it is not mine. Lastly Elli values my opinion and thoughts and when I speak negatively about her relationships, she takes it as a personal failure in both relationships and it hurts her to her core. Elli and I see the world very differently. In order for her to feel validated she needs me to love every little thing about her and love her unconditionally. By me rejecting in whole or in part her relationship with Amy I was essentially rejecting her as a person. I on the other hand can love, be indifferent or not love things about a person but still love them as a whole and be okay with that. It is simply a different approach to relationships and to life it is also a point of contention during communication with Elli and I.

Wednesday July 15, 2010

I still haven’t heard from Evey no return texts or phone calls. I hope she is okay.

Tuesday July 14, 2010

Renee should be back from Europe soon. It will be good to see her again after all this time. I wonder if we will be able to reconnect and if so if we can have a deep and meaningful sexual and emotional relationship? How am I going to fit another relationship into my schedule? If so can I really take on another relationship? I’m getting ahead of myself, I just need to take it as it comes and try not to force it either way.

Sunday July 11, 2010

Common sense seeps back into my stubborn mindset and I am more rational. I still do not fully understand why Elli feels that I emotionally violated her trust? I just told her how I felt about her relationship with Amy but my thoughts on their relationship have never changed they have always been consistent and exactly the same. I was also honest about how I felt their relationship negatively affected ours and gave concrete examples. I wasn’t very sensitive during my presentation but does this constitute a violation of emotional trust? I guess I feel as if I either have to be very subtle or sugarcoat things for Elli otherwise it becomes an emotional tempest that I am ill prepared to deal with. I guess I really don’t feel that connected to her anymore. Still… I just don’t get it, I just don’t understand. I violated her emotional trust? What the fuck does that mean???

Saturday July 10, 2010

When Elli returns home from work we again go back and forth. Now it is her turn to hurt me and she does. Emotionally I feel very abandon, lost and confused. I go to bed wishing that I would have never become so emotionally vulnerable to her. I sincerely regret moving in with her. I feel trapped…

Friday July 9, 2010

I get into a huge argument with Elli. It is by far the most significant and hurtful argument we have ever had. I throw both caution and common sense out the window and speak from emotional frustration and brutal honesty. My words are cruel and unforgiving they cut like a sharp knife and are buried deep within her heart. In my selfishness I feel relieved…

Thursday July 8, 2010

Elli is with Amy tonight over at Amy’s place and I take the night to myself. I watch a documentary, read and surf the net. I think about my past, present and future. I go to bed frustrated.