Friday July 30, 2010

On the way over to Alice’s apartment yesterday I began to think about our relationship and relationships in general. Alice is 24 and I am 39 so realistically it will not be a lifetime partner relationship but it is a, for “now” relationship with a strong possibility for a lifetime friendship. This concept of having multiple relationships open long-term, open short-term, closed long-term, closed short-term, polyfidelity, tribal poly, sectional poly sprinkled with a spontaneous sexual encounter or regular fuck buddy (providing your relationships contain that provision) and you have the majority of family and friends completely bewildered and shocked. Polyamory can and oftened is very difficult for most people to wrap their mind around.

Most of my generation was social programmed to believe that you could only be single or in a monogamous relationship with the opposite sex. Other then that you were a cheater or sexual maniac. No other legitimate relationship patterns existed outside of these two models. You grew up, you got married (to someone of the opposite sex) then you had a few kids and called it a day. That’s what you did. That’s what the government wanted, that’s what the church wanted, that’s what your community wanted and that’s what your family damn well expected!

Then came the birth of polyamory a new relationship model. What then is this new relationship model and how does it fit into my here and now? Though there are various definition that exist on polyamory the one that most closely resembles my own is the one given on Wikipedia:

Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

Polyamory, often abbreviated to poly, is sometimes described as consensual, ethical, or responsible non-monogamy. The word is occasionally used more broadly to refer to any sexual or romantic relationships that are not sexually exclusive, though there is disagreement on how broadly it applies; an emphasis on ethics, honesty, and transparency all around is widely regarded as the crucial defining characteristic.

"Polyamorous" can refer to the nature of a relationship at a given time, or be used as a description of a philosophy or relationship orientation (much like gender orientation), rather than a person's actual relationship status at a given moment. It is an umbrella term that covers various forms of multiple relationships; polyamorous arrangements are varied, reflecting the choices and philosophies of the individuals involved.

Polyamory differs from polygamy, which refers to multiple spouses. Traditional polygamy is usually patriarchical and often claims a religious justification. Polygamy laws do not generally contemplate polyandry because polyandrous persons do not lay legal claim as spouses. Polygamy laws tend to preserve and enhance matrimonial property laws. There is no legal restriction for polyamorists to simply create legally binding property agreements between multiple partners. In marital property law however, strict guidelines apply between two only persons. Polyamory, on the other hand, is a different outlook grounded in such concepts as gender equality, self-determination, free choice for all involved, mutual trust, equal respect among partners, the intrinsic value of love, the ideal of compersion, and other mostly secular ideals. As of July 2009, there are estimated to be more than 500,000 polyamorous relationships in the United States.[1][2]

The defining characteristic of polyamory is belief in the possibility of, and value of, multiple romantic loving relationships carried out "with the knowledge and consent of all partners concerned."[3] What distinguishes polyamory from traditional forms of non-monogamy (i.e. "cheating") is an ideology that openness, goodwill, intense communication, and ethical behavior should prevail among all the parties involved. Powerful intimate bonding among three or more persons may occur. Some consider polyamory to be, at its root, the generalization of romantic couple-love beyond two people into something larger and more fundamental.[4]

People who identify as polyamorous typically reject the view that sexual and relational exclusivity are necessary for deep, committed long-term loving relationships. Those who are open to, or emotionally suited for, a polyamorous lifestyle may be single or in monogamous relationships, but are often involved in multiple long term relationships such as a triad, quad, or intimate network.

In practice, polyamorous relationships are highly varied and individualized. Ideally they are built upon values of trust, loyalty, negotiation, and compersion, as well as rejection of jealousy, possessiveness, and restrictive cultural standards.[5] Such relationships are often more fluid than the traditional "dating-and-marriage" model of long-term relationships, and the participants in a polyamorous relationship may not have preconceptions as to its duration.

Sex is not necessarily a primary focus in polyamorous relationships. Polyamorous relationships commonly consist of groups of more than two people seeking to build a long-term future together on mutually agreeable grounds, with sex as only one aspect of their relationship.

Polyamory is a hybrid word: poly is Greek for many (or multiple) and amor is Latin for love. Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart's article "A Bouquet of Lovers" (Spring 1990) is widely cited as its source (although "polyamory" does not appear in the article).[6][7] Jennifer L. Wesp created the Usenet newsgroup alt.polyamory in May 1992,[8] and the Oxford English Dictionary cites the proposal to create that group as the first verified appearance of the word. However, such relationships existed long before the word. (The older term polyfidelity, a subset of polyamory, was coined in the 1970s in the Kerista commune.)

Most definitions center on the concepts of being open to, or engaging in, a lifestyle that potentially encompasses multiple loving relationships (of whatever form) where all parties are informed and consenting to the arrangement. However, no single definition of "polyamory" has universal acceptance; two common areas of difference arise regarding the degree of commitment (when does swinging become polyamory?) and whether it represents a viewpoint or a relational status quo (is a person open to the idea, but without partners at present, still "polyamorous"?). Similarly, an open relationship in which all participants are long-term friends might be considered "polyamorous" under broader usages of the word, but excluded from some of the tighter usages, since polyamorous relationships may or may not also be polyfidelitous (non-open, or faithful within the relationship).

I initially identified with polyfidelity and considered it the only legitimate form of polyamory but as has been the case many times throughout my learning processes with relationship models I have had to rethink, expand and remain open to possibilities. It’s been very difficult for me not to superimpose a monogamous model over a polyamorous model and remain free from cultural and upbringing bias when it comes to my thoughts about the broader definitions and implications of poly relationships, but fortunately I don’t have to go through this change and relationship development alone.

Having sex with multiple partners is not my motivating factor. I’ve been there and done that and while sex is a benefit to multiple relationships it is less important to me then creating and maintaining deep and meaningful relationships. This need for deep and meaningful relationships originated from my childhood and the inability to have a meaningful son-mother relationship because of her extremely emotional and physically abusive ways. My mistrust of adults in general and of woman in particular has its roots in my childhood and because of a history of dysfunctional relationships my perceptions of adults and women have been magnified and confirmed time and time again. On an intellectual level I can see this as a warped way of thinking colored by my unfortunate past but on emotional level I still fell deeply hurt and suspicious. We could probably attribute being attracted too and dating younger women at least partially to my childhood as well. It’s true that I like how a younger woman in her twenties looks physically and feels inside and out. I also feel younger when in their presence but on an emotional level I feel safer. I have always sought safety in my relationships but have rarely ever found it and even then it was fleeting. Some might say that I feel emotionally safer around younger women because I am emotionally superior but this is not true. If anything I am intellectually over developed and emotionally under developed. My emotional development was greatly hindered in my childhood and is probably less developed then most the younger women I date. I feel more comfortable emotionally around younger women because emotionally I feel there is less of an emotional gap and I feel more equal and therefore safe. I realize that this thought process is an erroneous perception of general reality but is very real as it relates to me. It is my reality, it is the way I feel and live it.

Some may say that I feel intellectually superior to the younger women I date and therefore feel I have more control over them or over the relationship at large. While this does have some merit I have always felt intellectually superior in the broadest sense of the term to anyone I have ever met. This sounds very egotistical and it is. I don’t know trivia, I know how the universe relates to me. Intellectually I live in a world that is much different then most people could ever imagine. It consists of abstract thought clashing with concrete reason flavored with philosophical and spiritual ingredients that borders on insanity and barely tethers me to this reality. The only intellectual equals that I have found are the several different personalities that exist in my primary ego and that are very real and important to my life. I wouldn’t consider myself schizophrenic however I am open to the idea of having schizophrenic tendencies and that is why the last time I underwent a psychological evaluation and testing I answered the questions “carefully.” After all crazy is as crazy does and I’m not crazy merely creative.

Three relationships is about all I can really manage at this point and hats off to those who have several. Imagine if I were dating all my personalities, now that would be crazy!

I imagine that my childhood compartmentalized dealings with my mother contribute to having more then one valid personality as well as the extreme hormonal imbalance I have experienced over the course of my life. Combine that with being an introvert and a over active imagination and presto! Well there you go I’m not crazy after all.