Wednesday 7, 2010

I talk to Alice again on the way home from the gym. She is still very upset and needs to continue to vent. It is important for her to let me know how angry and hurt she is and how vulnerable she feels. She needs for me to hear how she would handle the situation if it were one of her boys that had sent the text. At this point she is not ready to hear and is unable to his how her actions contribute to the outcome of the weekend. She doesn’t want to take ownership for her part or apologize for her behavior. I however do take ownership for my part and apologize again and told her what I could have and will do differently if the situation ever comes up again. Will Alice take accountability for her actions? I don’t know for sure but the future of our relationship really is dependent on her being honest about her motives and taking responsibility for her actions. Today she wasn’t receptive to any sort of message and so no matter how many times I would have repeated something she didn’t want to hear she wouldn’t have heard it. I’m not going to let it slide by any means but timing and delivery of a message are crucial and so I’m going to wait patiently for a few days before expressing how my thoughts on her perceived motives, actions and double standards. My intent is not to punish her but to help strengthen our relationship and help her grow as an individual.

Hopefully we will be able to meet next week and I will share with her “What Poly Means to Me” and encourage her to share with me what it means to her. We have had conversations around this before but this will be the first time I have had my thoughts written down on paper and have a written down clearly and thoughtfully my expectations and boundaries and why they are important to me. I want to make sure that from here on out Alice and I are on the same page with personal expectations and boundaries concerning relationships in general and ours in particular.

I shared the rough draft of “What Poly Means to Me” with Elli before she went to bed. She was very receptive to it and encouraged me to expand upon it.

Tuesday July 6, 2010

Alice reaches out to me and texts me wanting to talk about situation on Saturday. I call her on my way to the doctor’s office. Over all the conversation was good and allowed her to vent and allowed me to get a better perspective in general and to think about what could have been done differently by everyone.

Monday July 5, 2010

I talked to Elli again about the events of Saturday. I was still very frustrated and disappointed in the outcome. I took some of the frustrated and disappointed out on her. I also told her that having Amy over every week wasn’t working for me anymore and offered a compromise. Amy could come over and spend the night one week and Elli could go up to Amy’s place the following week giving them their private bounding time and me a much needed night alone by myself. An introvert needs at least bare minimum one day a week completely alone where they can recharge their battery, reflect and make sense of the world around them. I could easily do two or three days to myself but my life is not structured to facilitate that at the moment. I don’t dislike humanity after all I work in the humanities field in a job that I very intense and unforgiving but I do need time completely by myself. Elli agreed to accommodate my request starting today.

I also fully realized for perhaps the first time that Elli truly does structure her life to accommodate my needs, wants and desire even if it is a huge inconvenience or unfair because she strives to make me happy and my happiness is paramount to her. When I am happy it makes Elli happy. Structuring her life around mine gives her a great deal of happiness and satisfaction. Her extreme devotion to my happiness is both rewarding and deeply gratifying. Even tough she takes less of a lead role in our relationship she still sees it as equal. She gave me the example of how a mother oftened puts her children’s needs first without being submissive or surrendering the power dynamics. This prespective makes better sense but I still have a hard time wrapping my mine around such extreme devotion and how it can be so gratifying. It is in many ways completely foreign to me. Elli does not require me to completely understand the concept or her reasoning behind her gift. What she desires is for me to accept her gift of devotion for what it is and accept her for who she is. Elli is the first person who I have ever known who loves and accepts me unconditionally without any reservation. I don’t think I know how to reciprocate such intensity of love and devotion of the spirit but I need to try. The biggest reason the power dynamics are the way they are in our relationship is because Elli chooses to express her love in both big and even small yet important things like tucking me into bed because I didn’t get this act of love and nurturing when I was a child. It is something special and unique that Elli can share with me.

As for myself I have always strived to make our relationship fair and balanced even going so far as to try and fix things in our relationship that aren’t even broke in the name of fairness. I did not fully comprehend the subtle and far reaching effects and extent of Elli’s commitment and devotion. These two opposing views oftened become a point of contention in our relationship even over small things. Elli in many ways wants to be in a passive yet equal role and I want her to be an active equal partner from my perspective and this is sometimes a point of frustration for the both of us.

The solution? I encourage Elli to show her devotion in a passive role and accept her unique gift of devotion and take pleasure in what our relationship has to offer. Being poly affords me the opportunity to seek out another relationship, not to replace Elli’s but to compliment it by having an equal active partner thereby getting that personal need of mine met.

Being dominant, equal, submissive active or passive in a relationship is not inherently a good thing or bad thing they are simply different roles a person either consciously or unconsciously assumes in a relationship and play out to various extremes. Though most people will cycle through the roles they will tend have to one role that feels more natural and predominates the relationship in the long-term. Without proper self-awareness any role can be exploited and become unhealthy and even detrimental to all parties involved. How do you go about such a relationship in a healthy manner? Trust, honesty and communication, knowledge balanced by wisdom and tempered by the heart. These are crucial materials for building a solid foundation for a relationship but are by no means the only ingredients for successfully relationship. Those ingredients are often as unique as the relationship themselves and can take some trial and error to find but contribute to the processes of self-discover both in one’s self and one’s relationship

Sunday, July 4, 2010

I am disappointed in how things turned out between Elli and Alice. I wonder if this whole poly thing is really worth the effort and time investment. Perhaps Renee who gets back from Europe in a few weeks will be a better fit for me and the relationship I desire to have.

I have done a lot of thinking about expectations, boundaries and “What Poly Means to Me” and for the first time have written these out and intend to share with both Elli and my future relationships.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

I talk more to Elli about the events of last night and the perception that Alice simply was trying to make me feel jealous by wanting to spend the night (in Elli’s bed). Elli was upset feeling used and angry about the hypocrisy of the situation. I encouraged Elli to wait at least 24 hours so she could let the emotional gamut run its course then share her feelings about that in a conversation with Alice. Elli jumped the gun and sent a text to Alice that night and then Alice shot a text to me and long story short Elli shut down, Alice shut down and I’m shut out. I was completely shut out and ironically I was the only one who was verbally communicating with all parties and keeping my emotions in check.

Friday July 2, 2010

This evening I had a date night with Evey. I met her at her apartment and she cooked me dinner. We caught up on our lives over the last month and I told her of my new relationship with Alice. Alice and Evey know each other from the fetish scene but are not really friends. Evey and I also talked about what kind of sexual play her dominant would allow us to have together and as a courtesy to my other relationship I sent a text to both Elli and Alice asking if they had and issue with me having limited sexual play with Evey. Think oral and masturbation as opposed to penetration.

Elli of course was completely ok with it and was encouraging as always and Alice gave the ok but I could tell by her text she had reservations. I again attempted to clarify and offered a dialog with Alice but she didn’t take me up on the offer. Evey and I then proceeded to a friends wedding party then returned to her apartment to play. On the way home Alice texted me, asking me if it were ok to bring her dog over to spend the night. This wasn’t planned mind you and I took it as Alice was uncomfortable with me being with Evey so Alice was going to make me uncomfortable by spending the night in Elli’s bed. Needless to say I put my plans with playing with Evey on hold and called Alice where we talked for over an hour. She was insecure stemming from her past two breakups and also being a hypocrite without admitting to it. Remember she slept with Ryan after only 3weeks I have been seeing Evey consistently for over several months. Alice knew about Evey from the very beginning I was always honest and up front. My night ended on a stressful note.

Thursday July 1, 2010

Went to see Dr Grossman again. My testosterone level went down a bit and my estrogen went up another 10 points so I was told to double up on my weekly dosage of Anastrazole. I also elected to begin to take 0.5mg of Human Chorionic Gonadotropin intravenously once daily. In males, hCG helps restore and maintain testosterone production in the testes by mimicking LH and triggering the production and release of testosterone. The idea is to get my only testical to permanently produce double the amount of testosterone. Since the testical is smaller then average size it may not be able to fulfill such a request. It’s worth a shot before I under go Testosterone hormone replacement therapy that will be a life long therapy.

Latter I went over to Alice’s apartment. She was very stressed I could feel it as I approached her. We talked about her situation was Cleave at one point she got so upset she got up from the couch and went into the kitchen. I told her how I felt about my thoughts on what is swinging, poly and just being single. I told her how I felt about her sleeping with Ray after only knowing him for 3 weeks. I was not blaming or ordering her around rather I was sincere with my feelings and compared and contrasted her approach with Elli with that of Rays. Don't know how much she actually heard.

Friday 25, 2010

I had a date night with Elli and we ate dinner at the Tilted Kilt. I enjoyed the eye candy but reflected upon when I first seen Elli in her little Kilt. I remember thinking our paths will cross again and she will play a major role in my life. I am gifted in this manner and have only been wrong once in my lifetime. I’m very fortunate to have Elli in my life.

Thursday 24, 2010

I went and had more blood work again to check my testosterone and estrogen levels.

Wednesday June 23, 2010

Elli’s body and mind suffered from stress and was in need of a good beating. As I layed my canes out one by one I wished for a gag for her mouth and a length of rope for her limbs. She loves to squirm and she is loud, the new apartment affords us much less privacy then my condo did. The neighbors at the condominium were accustomed to the screams of pleasure and pain. Here in the apartment complex such tauntings of the soul were likely to summon the police. To complicate things even more we had a guest in Elli’s room a guest who would not be able to understand or appreciate BDSM play.

I would have rather just ravaged her body with my fists but we agreed upon the canes. As I unleashed the wooden canes on her flesh and felt her body struggle underneath them I fantasized about raping her anally. I breathed in deep the primal energy of fear and violence and tasted the temptations of a killer. It was here deep within the darkness of my being that I came to realize the sadist who I had imprisoned long ago but now decided to free. I had awakened the starving beast of the field a beast that now refuses to sleep.

Monday June 21, 2010 Alice and her heart.

I worked out with Alice at the gym putiing her through a tough leg rotunie that she handled very well. Latter we went back to her place and did some needle play and she did some canning to my calfs. I had the pleasure of playing with her young firm breasts and let my fingers roam the rest of her body. I haven’t had sex with Alice yet, our relationship was born from the brothels of tribulation and our romance of the flesh and spirit has been carefully cultivated in the gardens of love. In a world saturated by lust we are like virgins our hearts tender and innocent yet our desire is intense. I long for more then just her flesh I want to earn her trust and experience her love.

Friday May 28, 2010

Elli makes me homemade chicken noodle soup and reads me poetry from foot of my bed. I am fortunate to have her in my life. She is a woman of intelligence and great beauty and her love for me is unconditional.