I talked to Elli again about the events of Saturday. I was still very frustrated and disappointed in the outcome. I took some of the frustrated and disappointed out on her. I also told her that having Amy over every week wasn’t working for me anymore and offered a compromise. Amy could come over and spend the night one week and Elli could go up to Amy’s place the following week giving them their private bounding time and me a much needed night alone by myself. An introvert needs at least bare minimum one day a week completely alone where they can recharge their battery, reflect and make sense of the world around them. I could easily do two or three days to myself but my life is not structured to facilitate that at the moment. I don’t dislike humanity after all I work in the humanities field in a job that I very intense and unforgiving but I do need time completely by myself. Elli agreed to accommodate my request starting today.
I also fully realized for perhaps the first time that Elli truly does structure her life to accommodate my needs, wants and desire even if it is a huge inconvenience or unfair because she strives to make me happy and my happiness is paramount to her. When I am happy it makes Elli happy. Structuring her life around mine gives her a great deal of happiness and satisfaction. Her extreme devotion to my happiness is both rewarding and deeply gratifying. Even tough she takes less of a lead role in our relationship she still sees it as equal. She gave me the example of how a mother oftened puts her children’s needs first without being submissive or surrendering the power dynamics. This prespective makes better sense but I still have a hard time wrapping my mine around such extreme devotion and how it can be so gratifying. It is in many ways completely foreign to me. Elli does not require me to completely understand the concept or her reasoning behind her gift. What she desires is for me to accept her gift of devotion for what it is and accept her for who she is. Elli is the first person who I have ever known who loves and accepts me unconditionally without any reservation. I don’t think I know how to reciprocate such intensity of love and devotion of the spirit but I need to try. The biggest reason the power dynamics are the way they are in our relationship is because Elli chooses to express her love in both big and even small yet important things like tucking me into bed because I didn’t get this act of love and nurturing when I was a child. It is something special and unique that Elli can share with me.
As for myself I have always strived to make our relationship fair and balanced even going so far as to try and fix things in our relationship that aren’t even broke in the name of fairness. I did not fully comprehend the subtle and far reaching effects and extent of Elli’s commitment and devotion. These two opposing views oftened become a point of contention in our relationship even over small things. Elli in many ways wants to be in a passive yet equal role and I want her to be an active equal partner from my perspective and this is sometimes a point of frustration for the both of us.
The solution? I encourage Elli to show her devotion in a passive role and accept her unique gift of devotion and take pleasure in what our relationship has to offer. Being poly affords me the opportunity to seek out another relationship, not to replace Elli’s but to compliment it by having an equal active partner thereby getting that personal need of mine met.
Being dominant, equal, submissive active or passive in a relationship is not inherently a good thing or bad thing they are simply different roles a person either consciously or unconsciously assumes in a relationship and play out to various extremes. Though most people will cycle through the roles they will tend have to one role that feels more natural and predominates the relationship in the long-term. Without proper self-awareness any role can be exploited and become unhealthy and even detrimental to all parties involved. How do you go about such a relationship in a healthy manner? Trust, honesty and communication, knowledge balanced by wisdom and tempered by the heart. These are crucial materials for building a solid foundation for a relationship but are by no means the only ingredients for successfully relationship. Those ingredients are often as unique as the relationship themselves and can take some trial and error to find but contribute to the processes of self-discover both in one’s self and one’s relationship
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