Saturday November 27, 2010

Finished my FAFSA for school this eve. One step closer to film school!

Friday November 26, 2010

I met D.D. at St. Marks for coffee. We talked about poly relationships as well as open-ended relationships and I solicited her help in planning a surprise for a loved one. I’m looking forward to seeing how it goes.

Thursday November 25, 2010

Elli and I enjoyed Thanksgiving dinner at the house. The food was great and it was a relaxing day. I am fortunate to have Elli in my life. She loves and adores everything about me. I can honestly say that the depth and intensity of her love is like none I have experienced before. Latter we watched Sarface. I really enjoy that movie it has been my experience that the movie is a true reflection of both the time and the trappings of the lifestyle. In a dark twisted way Tony Montana was living the American dream.

Wednesday November 24, 2010

Went and had coffee with Tracy from work again. Latter on in the evening I was thinking about our relationship and decided to no longer put forth anymore time or energy into it unless it begins to be reciprocated. One side relationships are unfair and a waste of time. I have been on the giving and receiving end of such relationships and I just don’t want to play that game anymore.

Saturday November 20 2010

I was accepted to Aurora Community College where the core general education classes will be taught at the Colorado Film School. So now I have to apply for my student financial aid and then take the Accuplacer. One,Two, Three, Showtime!

Friday November 19, 2010

Tracy and I were supposed to see each other today in fact she was going to come down and see my apartment however her husband took the day off and our plans fell through. That happens when all parties are not on board with current relationships and in some ways is reminiscent of how my relationship with Elli was in the very beginning. I guess I feel caught between being poly and having everyone on the same page and understanding that Tracy’s relationship with her husband is not my relationship, it’s hers to do and run as she sees fit. My relationship with Tracy should it ever materialize, will be very different then the one I initially envision my relationships would be when I first ventured into polyamory. I feel as if I am becoming more flexible and realistic with my expectations with my other relationships. I am very fortunate that Elli is not only my primary relationship but she fulfills the deep emotional connection, maternal nurturing and sexual needs that I have been searching for all my life.

Thursday November 18, 2010

This evening while at couples therapy I learned more about my communication style with Elli during conflict as opposed to when I am passionate about a topic. It was interesting to observe the non-verbals, tone of voice and what was being heard as opposed to what is being said. This was our third visit and Elli and I have decided to continue with therapy and the current therapist.

Wednesday November 17 2010

Had coffee with Tracy on our break talked about seeing each other more often and having her spend the night at some point in the near future.

Monday November 15, 2010

Tired so tired. I lay on the bed my mind is in the twilight a realm in-between being awake and sleep. Elli takes me in her mouth, her head moves rhythmically up and down. I slip into a dominant headspace and grab a handful of her hair and pull hard. The blood flows quickly into my cock as I forcibly push her head down and make her deep throat the length of my longing. My voice is low but firm as I issue her commands, “open wider, slow down, relax.” She worships my cock with a devoted passion paying homage to the idol of lust. I hold her head and mouth still as I thrust my desire into welcoming mouth deeper and deeper face fucking her with a brutal passion that I haven’t felt in ages. Time stops and we are in the eternal now a moment to freeze and own. As I explode into her mouth I find myself in the heat of the night in the garden of indulgence and dark delight.

Saturday November 13, 2010

Last day off. I’m going to do a little writing, go to the gym then do some indoor rock climbing. Latter Elli and I are going to curl up and watch Fight Club.

Friday November 12, 2010

It was a nice and relaxing day spent entirely by myself. Applied for admissions to the Colorado Film School and completed my admissions application for the Art Institute of Colorado. The Art Institute wanted a $50.00 fee for the application so I didn’t send it rather completed all of it and scheduled another appointment next week so that I can meet with an Ai advisor and compare their curriculum verses the Colorado Films School curriculum, price and practicality. Hopefully I can speak to a few students at the school because I can learn a lot from them.

Since Renee never got back to me this week about when she wanted to meet up with me I filled up my schedule. I don’t mind working around her schedule she just needs to try a little harder to communicate her schedule to me otherwise I will focus spending time exclusively with Elli and Trish.

Thursday November 11, 2010

Elli and I had two separate individual therapy sessions and then we did a couples session. I was at the Psychology Center for so long it felt like I was in day treatment. Couples therapy went well and we are going to begin to work on conflict therapy. After our sessions we went to my physical therapy appointment for my hand. We had a delicious dinner at a Thai restaurant. Latter we had a BDSM play session and though it was light compared to those we have done in the past I really enjoyed it and Elli handled it well. Next we did some fisting and some play with a strap on. It was a good night!

Wednesday November 10, 2010

Elli is going over to Amy’s house after work, which is just as well because this evening I found myself completely drained from work and angry at the world. I ended up shutting off my phone and not talking to either Trish or Renee. Sometimes I just need alone time without obligation and instead turned my attention to a film that I had wanted to see for some time.

I watched “I Stand Alone” a 1998 French drama film, written and directed by Gaspar Noé, and starring Philippe Nahon, Blandine Lenoir, Frankye Pain and Martine Audrain. The original French title is Seul contre tous, which means "Alone against all". The film focuses on several pivotal days in the life of a bitter former butcher as he rages against the world. The film was the director's first feature-length production, and is a sequel to his 1991 short film Carne. Though not as visually or emotionally dynamic as Irreversible or the Enter the Void I enjoyed “I Stand Alone” because of it’s cinematic simplicity, psycho-sexual determinism and the interior monologue that is both profound and psychotic. It is a movie about sex and death but also about the inherent rage, violence, pride and sexual drive that is seated deep within the male psyche. The film explores a forbidden area of the male gender that is often denied or glossed over, one that is surrounded by myth and taboo. Gaspar Noé, creates a film that exposes the hideously entertaining wound for all to see.

I Stand Alone is definitely not for everyone. If the movie TAXI DRIVER was too much for you then you will want to skip I Stand Alone.

Saturday November 6, 2010

I went to the Art Institute of Colorado this morning and checked out the visual effects and animation department but I couldn’t stay to see the Digital film and video production so I will have to reschedule. Latter in the afternoon I did a light BDSM scene with her and to her using canes and a few impact toys. This was our first session together though she has seen me get beat plenty of times at the BDSM clubs. She handled it pretty well and as I was using the cane on her I imagined the rape scene she wanted to do. I envisioned repeatedly punching and slapping her and wrapping my strong hands around her throat as I fuck her like a sex toy. The images of brute force and objectification were really turning me on. After the canning I fisted her, which was her first time. I was able to get my hand about halfway in which is pretty good for the first time. Because I was so turned on I had to stop halfway through the scene and fuck her before starting the fisting again. It was a good night.

Friday November 5, 2010

Woke up and trained a client first thing this morning then a short while latter I dropped my taxes off to the local IRS office. The IRS doesn’t seem interested in garnishing my wages though I wish they would so I could pay them back and hold off my H.O.A. garnishment for my condo that is in foreclosure. Then I went to the car repair shop yet again with another problem. I think those bad mechanics messed my little burgundy chariot up. I went to the Colorado Film School at 2:00pm and did a tour. I like the feel of the school and was able to see a lot of the equipment and workstations that they use. Spent the rest of the evening by myself enjoying alone time. Oh how to I truly love my alone time!

Thursday November 4, 2010

Woke up exhausted from my work shift. The day was very busy practically every hour was planned out and this is something that really stresses me out a great deal. My only reprieve was when Elli and I walked back to the car from my dentist appointment. We took a walk on a path by the river and I came up with a photo shoot as well as a short film seen to do in that area. Latter in the evening Elli and I went to our first couples counseling session. We wanted to continue to work on bettering communication though since we initially considered counseling our communication has greatly improved. The counselor who is currently still in school seems uncertain. She didn’t really know what to make of us at first and had little if any idea what polyamory or BDSM were so we’re going to have to get her up to speed over the next few weeks. Elli seemed to like her and the session went well so at the end of the day that’s what’s important. Initially Elli and I were going to do a play scene and then I was gong to fist her latter but by the time we got home it was late and I had to be up at 5a.m. so we just ended up going to bed.

Saturday October 30, 2010

I went to Rock and Jammin and took and introductory lesson on indoor climbing and bouldering. I had a great time it was really fun. Reena came and watched for awhile but she didn’t participate. I wish I could have spent more time with her during this off shift but both our schedules have been hectic but in order to make the relationship work we both will need to work on setting time aside so that we can enjoy quality bounding time together. The same thing is true with Trish if she is still serious about having a relationship.

Thursday October 28, 2010

Another busy day! I really need a day all to myself without having to have a dozen appointments or errands. I need a day where I can just sit and do a little reading and writing and of course daydreaming.

Saturday October 23, 2010

Alexandra took me to breakfast this morning at a place called Snoozes on Colorado Blvd. The food was awesome her company even better. We talked about her schooling and about my relationships. I miss Alex.

Reene came over later on in the day. I was feeling rushed and frustrated but that was cured by a great orgasm. I love the way she gives head I just wished she swallowed.

Friday October 22, 2010

Spent most of the day with Elli she gave me two very wonderful birthday cards and a great tasting Halloween cake complete with spiders, gummy worms and a skull. Then the real surprise she gave me two wooden framed enlarged photos from our Sin City photo shoot. One photo was with the both of us on a Victorian style sofa and she is laying down with her head on my lap. The picture has a part of a guitar in the background giving it a Rock-n-Roll type feel something you might see on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine. The other photo is of Elli sitting topless on the top edge of the sofa that was altered to include angle wings and a halo. This imagery is symbolic of how I have always seen and wrote about Elli as being my angel. I am fortunate to have such a divine presence in my life.

Thursday October 21, 2010

Managed to get a workout in and some reading done. Visited Dr. Grossman to get my testosterone number, which was at a very low 300 so I took yet another bloodtest.

Wednesday October 13, 2010

Dad calls me using Vietnam as and excuse for him binge drinking and ending up in the hospital in ICU yet again. My dad doesn’t want help, he doesn’t want to take accountability for his actions he just wants an excuse to keep drinking.

Tuesday October 12, 2010

Trish is back from her trip to Vegas so I stopped by and seen her on her break at work. We talked more about having a relationship and her thoughts about my other relationships as well as general emotions and insecurities. Unlike my relationship with Renee whose husband I have met and whose aware of my relationship with his wife Trish’s husband will not know about my relationship with her and so brings up a moral issue that runs counter to my idea of open, honest communication. Wow, this is so reminiscent of relationships past. After I visited with Trish I went to hangout with Elli at her job before returning home and reading.

Monday October 11, 2010

I spent the majority of the day by myself and it was good! A little writing, a little reading sometime spent in the gym then on the net. I need more alone time :)

Sunday, October 10, 2010

I have the next few days off from work, which is good because my last shift I took off I was sick the entire time. I did a boxing session with Alexandra and her mother at the gym in my apartment community. It was a good workout, I miss Alex, I miss her a lot and wish she was more of an integrate part of my life. Latter Elli and I went with LaShonda to St. Marks for coffee. We talked a little about the book Ethical Slut that I loaned LaShonda and about over all needs, wants and desires in both monogamous and poly relationships. Towards the latter half of the conversation I stopped talking and just listened to LaShonda and Ell. I also was observing the other patrons, coffee house people are an eclectic bunch some were there to study others to be seen and a few just wanted to be heard.

Friday, October 8, 2010

I called Alice back this morning and told her my decision. It was easier then I had anticipated and the decision was mutual. She is 23 and I am 39 we just have different needs, wants and desires so far as it comes to relationships at the moment. We didn’t rule out a relationship in the future just for now. Alice backed off her statement that every time I spoke to her I criticized her and restated that I had been a big a big emotion support when she talked to me on the phone which is more accurate.

Renee came this afternoon and I spread her body out over the bed and gave a big hello. Latter she met Elli for the first time and we all went out and got some lunch the Renee left for the day. It was a good time and Elli was glad to meet her. Latter in the evening Elli and I embraced then we watched the movie Blow. I slept with her for most the night something I rarely do because I need my personal space but I wanted to be near to her and feel connected.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Alice called me from Florida this afternoon she is attending her best friends wedding. She wanted to let me know that she had oral sex with her best friend and the husband to be and if I was all good with that? When I said it’s something we would have to talk about she then proceeded to say that she was unhappy with our relationship because she couldn’t do whatever she wanted, when she wanted, with whoever she wanted and I need to let her, be her. I said that what she seemed to want was to be single without any responsibilities and having to answer only to herself. I said the problem is you have a single mentality but want to have poly relationships. She kept going on and on about her being the victim and being unhappy so I repeated everything that she said to me so I could make sure that I was hearing her correctly and said I would think about it tonight and call her tomorrow to let her know what I wanted to do in regards to our relationship.

In all honesty I don’t need all night to think about it Alice and I are on two very different pages when it comes to a healthy relationship and I have no desire to continue to be romantically involved with her. It isn’t a good thing or a bad thing it simply is. I will seek to maintain a friendship with her if possible but if not I will leave the relationship knowing I really did try and make it work. Over all it was a positive experience in so far that I learned a lot about her, relationships and myself in general.

My father also called while I was at the gym. He was drunk and belligerent and left a very ignorant message. I felt like calling him back right after I received the message but realized he would still be drunk and I want him to be sober and remember the conversation I have with him so I will wait until tomorrow.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

This morning I was reading The Madness Begins At Midnight a short story that takes place in Buenos Aires and I immediately thought of Alexandra and so texted her because I miss her very much and even after all this time still have feelings for her. I didn’t know if her number was still the same but I sent the text into the void nonetheless. Then I went with Elli down to Cherry Creek to pick up my monthly payment from my personal training client. While we were down there we decided to go to the Farmers Open Market. We walked along the entire side of the market noting fresh pastries, locally grown meats and produce. We stopped to get some coffee on the opposite side and I looked around and noticed a unique tattoo on a women’s back. I smiled that’s Alex! I walked up to where she was sitting and gentle put my hand on her back. Wow, I thought the universe works in mysterious ways. First my client forgets her checkbook Friday morning and Friday afternoon I wasn’t feeling well enough to collect it from her so we make plans to meet down in Cherry Creek today. This morning I read a story set in Buenos Aires and of Alex and text her but hadn’t gotten a reply. Elli and I just happened to stop by the Farmers Market and there is Alex! “Hi Alex!” “How are you?” “I’m good, how are you?” “I’m good, very good.” I replied. I introduced her to Elli forgetting they had met before. Then turned back to Alex. “Is your number still the same?” “Yes, I texted you back didn’t you get it?” I reach for my phone but realized that it’s been in the car the entire time. She shows me her phone “My number is still the same, look here is the message.” We talked for a few minutes and she wanted to start boxing again perhaps by next Friday. We hugged and then Elli and I walked back through the market buying some fresh pastries and honey as well as getting something to eat. Elli and I went back home and took a nice long walk through the neighborhood. I took Elli to work and went back home to meet up with Reene.

It has been weeks since I have seen Reene. First we had conflicting schedules then I was sick for days on end then with Elli on vacation. Today we finally were able to meet. I met her downstairs and greeted her with a hug and a kiss then hurried her upstairs and got her naked on the bed. She still hasn’t had her complete STD testing so I fingered her and then she went down on me and I was able to have a great orgasm. We cuddled for about an hour and then she had to go. So many relationships so little time.

Friday October 1, 2010

I met Trish for lunch off of I-70. I like Trish a lot she is smart, sexy and makes me feel at peace with myself. She was shy today like a young schoolgirl out on her first date. I thought it was cute and even erotic. We ate and talked but are time was limited and so I hugged her goodbye and moved on with my day.

Thursday September 30, 2010

I was sick and grumpy today. The potential job fell through last minute. I was very disappointed.

Wednesday September 29, 2010

Went for my 2^nd interview but found out the job was only temporary until the end of October. There has been a serious breakdown of communication with this company since I applied. I’m not at all confident with my potential employment there.

Tuesday September 28, 2010

I woke up with a headache from last night so I decided to shower and pack up and go with Elli to see Devil’s Tower then head to Casper Wyoming to visit my father. Devils Tower was very peaceful and serene and I remember the many times I visited as a child. Sometimes I long to be that child that is loved and accepted by his parents and is kept safe from danger. Those basic needs are good to be aware of because I am liable to seek those various needs in my poly relationships to varying degrees. Properly identifying a need and matching that need with a specific person who is able to fulfill it will make the relationship more satisfying and less stressful. Remember in poly relationships you do not expect one person to fulfill all your needs and instead look to specific relationships to fulfill specific needs.

As Elli and I left the town of Moorcroft I got a phone call from a potential job opportunity but they want to interview me again tomorrow at noon. We decide to scrap going to Casper because we wouln’t have enough time. We backed tracked to take a shorter way back to Denver. When we get home Elli takes me out to buy a new shirt and tie for the interview (she is a sweetie). We then go out to eat a wonderful dinner and talk. Elli is kind and is very loving I am fortunate to have her in my life.

Monday September 29, 2010

I woke up tired and sick but decided to take the trip to Hulett Wyoming anyway. The day was very long and the ride uncomfortable. We arrive late in the evening to Hulett and check into our motel which had mold behind a wall. We were able to move rooms but the mold gave me a headache all night. We ate at the only restaurant that charged $18.00 for a plate of pasta. It was lame very lame. I regret that I was unable to be better company for Elli and wish this was a better trip.

Saturday September 28, 2010

Spent the morning with Alice but I was still sick and so I left early. It was too bad because her loins were on fire! Maybe when she gets back from her trip we can in sync and make up for time lost.

Thursday September 26, 2010

Alice came over to my place this evening and we had a good talk about my concerns about her anger issues, how it relates to my own anger issues and the general direction of our relationship. She was upset at first because she felt I was attacking and judging her but I made sure she knew I was actively listening and kept bringing some of her issues back to my past issues. I’m by no means perfect and know how difficult it is to work through issues. We have very similar personality types and interact with reality in much the same way so although our specific situations are different we tend to handle them in a similar manner. Alice cried for a time, which is a big deal for Alice because crying makes one vulnerable and even weak in our eyes. I reassured her and used myself in several examples as to the things I have done well concerning my anger and the things I haven’t done so well. I felt very emotional connected to her.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Today was my day with Elli but I didn’t get as much time as I would have liked with her because Josh and I were trying to work out some bugs with my computer. I should be able to begin working on the Razor Girl project on my next off shift now that the computer issue has been resolved. Latter on in the evening Elli and I watched “Irreversible” directed by Gaspar Noe who also directed Carne. Though this movie won’t appeal to the average Hollywood moviegoer I thought over all, Irreversible was a very good movie that was well thought out and really mirrored the cause and effect aspects of reality. Besides the camera work at the very beginning the only other grumble was that the emotionally intense moments lacked the necessary build up in order to experience their full impact. The audience does get to experience but it could have been even more intense. This might be do to culture the differences between French and American social dynamics or emotional delivery in cinema. Though a harsh dose of reality it was a good movie that comes highly recommended.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

The interview went well and I should know in a few weeks what’s available. I ran some errands and read more of Shogun. Latter Renee came over and we talked for a while then I was fortunate enough to experience her skills at fellatio. Renee left and Elli arrived home from work, we talked a bit before going into her bedroom and made love. I felt really connected to both Elli and Renee. I felt loved and at peace with myself something that rarely seems to happen.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Though tired and stressed from working at the asylum I stayed up this evening working on an online application and some other paperwork for tomorrow’s interview. Hopefully I can get another job soon. I’m so tired of experiencing the constant emotional abuse, restraining girls, getting spit on and punched at and let’s not forget the tip of my finger that was chopped off by one of the girls. I’m tired, so tired of the abuse we as staff are made to suffer. A quote from Hellraiser II, repeats over and over in my mind, “Your suffering will be legendary in for Hell!”

I also decided this evening not to meet Alice because of last Saturday’s experience. I need a break from that kind of anger and smoldering rage. I have other things that need to be taken care of so I’ll do those and perhaps meet up with Renee if I have time.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

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I spent the majority of the day with Alice. She was upset because her and Jake were in another argument this morning and it continued while she drove him back to his apartment. Alice spends a lot of time and energy arguing with Jake but hey “not my relationship.” Alice and I went out for breakfast and then to the Harvest Fest checked out the different venders and rode on a carnival ride. Up to this point I had enjoyed my time with her even though much of it was spent discussing her issues with Jake. When she ask if I wanted to go to the Italian Festival I said sure but I can’t stay long because I need to meet Reene she became very, very angry. You see I had called her earlier in the morning and left her a message asking if it was ok if I stopped by earlier because I had to leave at 1pm and though she got the message she was under the impression that regardless when I came I was spending the whole day with her. I don’t exactly know how the lines of communication got mixed up but I took responsibility, owned up and said I would do better at communicating any future schedule. Still she was angry. I don’t know how much had to do with the actual scheduling and how much had to do with seeing another women but were both in poly relationships. She was yelling at traffic and driving erratic, the same things I have done when Elli has been in the car and for a brief time I really was able to relate to how Elli must feel when I act like a complete ass. No matter how angry Alice got, I showed no response. She was used to arguing and yelling but I didn’t do either. The way I figured it was that I took ownership for what I had done and committed to do better end of story. When we finally got to the Italian festival I fond myself wondering whether or not I was going to be patient enough to deal with this relationship. As for Elli, she must have the patience of a Saint when it comes to me but the biggest difference between Alice and me (our personality types are the same accept she is an extrovert) is that I really strive tirelessly in trying to improve myself especially my emotions.

Friday, September 10, 2010

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I spent the entire day with Elli and enjoyed her warmth and affection. Much latter in the evening we would get into an argument of sorts concerning her relationship with Amy. Admittedly I still cannot for the life of me wrap my mind around their relationship or it’s significants to her. I had to repeatedly remind myself of that during the conversation. Not my relationship, I would tell myself over and over but then I found myself attempting to compare a relationship I don’t understand with the one I have with Elli. Not the same relationship, I would tell myself over and over and then after sometime I was finally able to hear what Elli was actually trying to say and I let go of my misunderstanding and frustration and reflected on the entirety of the conversation. One thing that stuck out the most during the conversation is when I told Elli I didn’t think she really new me. Then I stepped out of the car filled it up with gas and got back in. While I started the car Elli proceeded to tell me in very specific detail things about myself that no other person on this Earth knows. I was amazed, humbled and thankful. Elli loves me like no other I have ever known.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

I woke up early and wrote more on my Dr. Monroe story then I went to the gym. Renee left me a voice mail saying she had to cancel today’s date and wanted to reschedule for Friday but Friday I’m with Elli and Saturday during the day have a date with Anna so maybe Saturday late afternoon? I had forgot that I had a therapy session at 12 today so it’s just as well that Renee canceled. The session was ok but I’m realizing that while I’ll always have issues that I will need to work on to continue to improve as a person I have come to a point where I am able to deal with the majority of them in the moment and without much, if any outside help. Alice called and canceled our date tonight which isn’t really a bad thing because I get the rest of the day to myself praise the lord! I took a nap, did a bit more witting and read some more of Shogun. When Elli gets home from work I’m going to pin her to the bed and give her some good love’in!

Saturday September 4, 2010

I slept in till 10:00am it was great! No dates for me today, thank god because I really need a day for myself. I did a little writing, read emails and some chores around the house and headed to the gym and stayed there for a few hours before picking up LaShonda (my ex who has since remarried) so that I could view the pictures from her last few photo shoots. Josh is LaShonda’s husband and they both do great work its always a pleasure to see their newest creation. Latter I ran a few errands and caught up on my blog and now I’m going to read some more of Shogun.

Friday September 3, 2010

My first engagement of the day was coffee with Trish. I like Trish (coworker) she makes me instantly relax and feel comfortable which is difficult for me to do most of the time. We talked about my poly relationships and her relationship with her husband. We flirted back and forth as is our usual routine and enjoyed our time together. I really need to ask her point blank about what she really wants out of our relationship and why.

I went to the gym to workout and then picked up Elli at work and we went to dinner near her work. Afterwards Alice called while we were in the bookstore and said her car was broken down and needed towed so Elli and I picked Alice and her boyfriend Jake up and drove them back to Alice’s apartment. You might think that having all four of us in the car together would be awkward but it wasn’t. I’ve never been jealous of Jake’s relationship with Alice and Alice isn’t jealous of my relationship with Elli so all was good.

Elli and I went back to our apartment and I was going to practice tying her up but I really wanted to go strait to the sex. First I fisted her, which is always so very, very hot then I had anal sex with her fulfilling a very intense fantasy I had been having for the past few weeks. Then I showered and we enjoyed some regular sex with her on top, the orgasm was mind blowing!

Thursday September 2, 2010

I had a date with Renee and met her at her house and talked to her husband about the Denver Sanctuary & ManCODE. Then I took Renee downtown and we walked on the 16^th street mall and ate lunch at the Tilted Kilt where we both enjoyed the eye candy think lots of cleavage and short plaid mini skirts!!! We talked about my poly relationships and her past relationships as well as our relationship prior to her leaving from Europe. She said that the thought of me being with other women made her jealous while the thought of her husband being with another man or women didn’t make her jealous at all. I asked her why that was? Did she think my feelings for her changed when I was with someone else? Did she feel that she was competing or perhaps being abandoned? She said she really didn’t know but she promised to put some thought into it. Jealously is a natural human emotion and occurs for various reasons and its crucial in poly relationships that this emotion is addresses quickly, openly and honestly. You will learn a lot about yourself and improve your relationships by experiencing, understanding and communicating. We held hands for the first time in well over a year but it seemed as if it were only yesterday. After we ate I drove her back to her house and went to visit my seconded date of the day Ana.

I arrived on time to Ana’s and I was really looking forward to having some really good sex but she was shy this evening in a schoolgirl sort of way it was actually pretty erotic come to think about it. We went out to dinner and talked then took her dog for a walk before curling up on her bed and watching some youtube videos until it was time for me to pick up Elli.

I picked up Elli at her job and we went back to our apartment. She asked me how my dates were then we enjoyed some really great sex.

Saturday August 28, 2010

Woke up late Alice had text me earlier saying the BBQ she was going to is no longer happening and wanted to know if I would want to hangout. I would have for sure if she had told me the nigt before. I would have gotten some of my errands out of the way and hit the gym early but since I slept in I can’t cram it all end too bad because I really wanted to fuck her today. I picked up Elli latter at work and we ate some dinner and we took a walk around Stapleton. It was very peaceful and quiet and I was very happy to have been able to spend more time with her.

Friday August 27, 2010

Spent the afternoon with Elli. We had some very good sex before going out to dinner and then attending a Pressure Point class for BDSM. The class was at the Sanctuary and was taught by Fifth Angle and his wife. Fifth Angle was a great instructor who had considerable knowledge on the topic. We met Alice there. Originally Alice had invited us to go with her and her boyfriend Jake but because of scheduling Chris couldn’t make the presentation. After words we went out to a Taco shack that as soon as you walked in you thought you were in Mexico. They couldn’t speak English and got our orders mixed up but the food was good.

Thursday August 26 2010

Renee texted me while I was at the gym and canceled for today’s lunch so I did a little writing on my Dr. Monroe story and read some of Shogun by James Clavell. Throughout the day I was experiencing sever dizzy spells which I attribute to the 50mg of ClomiPhene Citrate that I was taking nightly while I was waiting for my unit of testosterone to be shipped to me. I went over to Alice’s last night and spent some quality together. We ate some dinner and took a long walk and I think we would have had sex if I weren’t having another dizzy spell.

Wednesday August 25, 2010

Went out with Trish and Hogan for a drink and another coworker who has a crush on me tracked us down at the sports bar and was upset to see me with the two other ladies. It was an awkward moment but fortunately it was only a moment. I guess I’m pretty popular for an introvert.

Saturday August 21, 2010

My body finally recuperates from the previous work shift. Renee comes over she is a sexy as the last time I seen her. I show her Ellis’ and my apartment then we take a long walk and talk about her trip to Europe and her previous relationships. We stop and eat lunch at the town square and I update her on my current relationships and some valuable lessons I learned on the way. Even though it’s been a long time since we last spoke or seen each other we pick up where we left off never missing a beat. While we walk back to my place I can’t help but to day ream about fulfilling one of her rape scene fantasies. Not today but soon…

Friday August 20, 2010

I wake up to the bright sunlight and the sound of construction from down below. I really cold have used a few more hours of sleep. I spend my day with Elli. We went to the Botanic Gardens and enjoyed the peacefully beautify it had to offer. I felt more connected to Elli today and less frustrated with the world. After the Gardens we went back to the apartment and we loaded music onto her new ipod and then I laid down for a nap and she went to spend some time with Amy who is still recovering in the hospital from back surgery. Latter I picked Elli up and we enjoyed a little embrace before eating dinner and watching a movie together. I go to sleep in my own bed and feel at peace with myself.

Thursday August 19, 2010

I went to bed early last night but I was still very tired when I awoke this morning. My job completely drained me both emotionally and physically. Over the past few years the job did provide me with an opportunity for personal growth and allowed me to help a few people along the way but it’s run is over. I need to move on perhaps into a relative mindless job where I can recharge and go back to school.

I spent a few hours with Alice this evening. I have missed her very much while she was on vacation. We reconnected emotional though it took a better part of two hours. We talked, ate a wonderful diner and went to the bookstore so I could purchase a copy of Shogun that both of us are going to read. I think that Alice will break my heart but I also firmly believe it will be worth the ride. I left Alice with gentle kiss goodbye and I picked up Elli from work that works nearby.

Wednesday August 18, 2010

After work I had a few drinks with some coworkers. Generally I skip the cocktails and go to the gym for a run or to lift weights but I’ve been really enjoying the company of Tracy one of my coworkers and we have been flirting a bit back and forth. At this stage it’s pretty innocent though she is married which always complicates things. She knows I’m poly however I doubt that she is willing to venture down that road. Do I see a pattern repeating itself?

Saturday August 14, 2010

I feel a little bit better and work a half a day at my job which is 8 hours. I skip my workout again because I still feel physically drained. I text Renee back and forth and agree to a date next Saturday. I need to schedule time with Alice on Thursday and Elli on Friday so I don’t know if I’ll have time to see Evey this week. What day does that leave me to be alone with my thoughts? It doesn’t. I need a job that is closer to an 8 or 10 hour day as opposed to a 12 or 16 hour day.

Friday August 13, 2010

I saw my therapist today. It’s been a few weeks since we were able to have a session. A lot has gone on since I last spoke to Abby. I went over the hormone therapy as well as stopping my antidepressant. I fell highly angry and very suspicious of women. As I talk to Abby I find myself wondering what a sociopath path gets out of being a serial killer? If you can’t feel the intensity of hate and anger and can’t empathize with your victims suffering then what really is the point? Oh that’s right I’m in a therapy session, I don’t have time for he myriad of personalities within me to dissect the finer points of personality disorders as they relate to serial killing!

I purchase a bottle of L-Tyrosine, L-Methionine and 5-HTP. It will take at least a week before I will be able to feel the effects if any.

I spend a little time with Elli but by the afternoon I falsely believe that she is angry with me and I feel very distant and frustrated. I feel sick and completely exhausted and decided to lay down. I don’t fully explain too Elli how I feel and what I think and in the end push her further away. Although I really looked forward to it I end up canceling my date with Alice tonight. I haven’t seen her in weeks and miss her very much but at the moment I feel lost and desperate. I need to be alone…

Thursday August 12, 2010

I slept in a few hours and then went to Evey’s apartment and hung out with her during the afternoon. We watched Fetish Circus it’s a decent porno so far as mainstream Fetish porno’s are concerned. Latter I stretched her out over her bed and gave her an orgasm with one of her favorite toys. She reciprocated with a hand job. I was hoping to experience the no gag reflex of hers that I’ve heard so much about but she has to clarify and clear that with her primary relationship. Poly slash Dominant slash submissive relationships can be overly complex and well… frustrating to say the least.

Wednesday August 11, 2010

Spent more time with Elli but I ended up going to bed tired and frustrated with the world. I’m no-longer filled with sorrow or struggling with suicidal thoughts rather I am becoming angry and intolerant of everything. “Some men want too see the whole world burn!”

Saturday August 7, 2010

I was able to and do some reading and writing. It seems as though I need more and more alone time in order to feel recharged. I don’t know if it’s because I was so accustomed to living by myself and am struggling with living with someone else now or if it is because of my cycling introverted nature or being off the Effexor? Perhaps it’s a little of the former exasperated by the latter.

Thursday August 5, 2010

I seen Dr. Grossman again today about the results of my blood work. I feel a difference not a huge difference but a difference both with my libido and sexual identification. I no longer “feel” gender neutral but I actually feel like a male. The hCG that I was taking intravenously was apparently helping to raise my testosterone but not by much. I could stay on it longer but the testical isn’t in the greatest of shape and the treatment for hCG is $180.00 for a 20 day supply that insurance wont cover. So at this point I’ve run out of options and have administered to myself the first of a lifetime of weekly testosterone shots. The only good news is that my estrogen was down 5 points. I feel disappointed in my previous care providers too include my parents and doctors as well as well as myself for not fully addressing the original problem earlier.

Wednesday August 4, 2010

Because of our extremely busy work schedules Elli and I have only managed to spend a few quality hours together in the past few weeks. Our relationship is strained and distant and I am overly tired and stressed. I have also been more agitated and much less patient with the world in general since I stopped taking the Effexor 37.5mg, but I was constantly grinding my teeth day and night and could not stop even when I was aware that I was grinding.

Friday July 30, 2010

On the way over to Alice’s apartment yesterday I began to think about our relationship and relationships in general. Alice is 24 and I am 39 so realistically it will not be a lifetime partner relationship but it is a, for “now” relationship with a strong possibility for a lifetime friendship. This concept of having multiple relationships open long-term, open short-term, closed long-term, closed short-term, polyfidelity, tribal poly, sectional poly sprinkled with a spontaneous sexual encounter or regular fuck buddy (providing your relationships contain that provision) and you have the majority of family and friends completely bewildered and shocked. Polyamory can and oftened is very difficult for most people to wrap their mind around.

Most of my generation was social programmed to believe that you could only be single or in a monogamous relationship with the opposite sex. Other then that you were a cheater or sexual maniac. No other legitimate relationship patterns existed outside of these two models. You grew up, you got married (to someone of the opposite sex) then you had a few kids and called it a day. That’s what you did. That’s what the government wanted, that’s what the church wanted, that’s what your community wanted and that’s what your family damn well expected!

Then came the birth of polyamory a new relationship model. What then is this new relationship model and how does it fit into my here and now? Though there are various definition that exist on polyamory the one that most closely resembles my own is the one given on Wikipedia:

Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

Polyamory, often abbreviated to poly, is sometimes described as consensual, ethical, or responsible non-monogamy. The word is occasionally used more broadly to refer to any sexual or romantic relationships that are not sexually exclusive, though there is disagreement on how broadly it applies; an emphasis on ethics, honesty, and transparency all around is widely regarded as the crucial defining characteristic.

"Polyamorous" can refer to the nature of a relationship at a given time, or be used as a description of a philosophy or relationship orientation (much like gender orientation), rather than a person's actual relationship status at a given moment. It is an umbrella term that covers various forms of multiple relationships; polyamorous arrangements are varied, reflecting the choices and philosophies of the individuals involved.

Polyamory differs from polygamy, which refers to multiple spouses. Traditional polygamy is usually patriarchical and often claims a religious justification. Polygamy laws do not generally contemplate polyandry because polyandrous persons do not lay legal claim as spouses. Polygamy laws tend to preserve and enhance matrimonial property laws. There is no legal restriction for polyamorists to simply create legally binding property agreements between multiple partners. In marital property law however, strict guidelines apply between two only persons. Polyamory, on the other hand, is a different outlook grounded in such concepts as gender equality, self-determination, free choice for all involved, mutual trust, equal respect among partners, the intrinsic value of love, the ideal of compersion, and other mostly secular ideals. As of July 2009, there are estimated to be more than 500,000 polyamorous relationships in the United States.[1][2]

The defining characteristic of polyamory is belief in the possibility of, and value of, multiple romantic loving relationships carried out "with the knowledge and consent of all partners concerned."[3] What distinguishes polyamory from traditional forms of non-monogamy (i.e. "cheating") is an ideology that openness, goodwill, intense communication, and ethical behavior should prevail among all the parties involved. Powerful intimate bonding among three or more persons may occur. Some consider polyamory to be, at its root, the generalization of romantic couple-love beyond two people into something larger and more fundamental.[4]

People who identify as polyamorous typically reject the view that sexual and relational exclusivity are necessary for deep, committed long-term loving relationships. Those who are open to, or emotionally suited for, a polyamorous lifestyle may be single or in monogamous relationships, but are often involved in multiple long term relationships such as a triad, quad, or intimate network.

In practice, polyamorous relationships are highly varied and individualized. Ideally they are built upon values of trust, loyalty, negotiation, and compersion, as well as rejection of jealousy, possessiveness, and restrictive cultural standards.[5] Such relationships are often more fluid than the traditional "dating-and-marriage" model of long-term relationships, and the participants in a polyamorous relationship may not have preconceptions as to its duration.

Sex is not necessarily a primary focus in polyamorous relationships. Polyamorous relationships commonly consist of groups of more than two people seeking to build a long-term future together on mutually agreeable grounds, with sex as only one aspect of their relationship.

Polyamory is a hybrid word: poly is Greek for many (or multiple) and amor is Latin for love. Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart's article "A Bouquet of Lovers" (Spring 1990) is widely cited as its source (although "polyamory" does not appear in the article).[6][7] Jennifer L. Wesp created the Usenet newsgroup alt.polyamory in May 1992,[8] and the Oxford English Dictionary cites the proposal to create that group as the first verified appearance of the word. However, such relationships existed long before the word. (The older term polyfidelity, a subset of polyamory, was coined in the 1970s in the Kerista commune.)

Most definitions center on the concepts of being open to, or engaging in, a lifestyle that potentially encompasses multiple loving relationships (of whatever form) where all parties are informed and consenting to the arrangement. However, no single definition of "polyamory" has universal acceptance; two common areas of difference arise regarding the degree of commitment (when does swinging become polyamory?) and whether it represents a viewpoint or a relational status quo (is a person open to the idea, but without partners at present, still "polyamorous"?). Similarly, an open relationship in which all participants are long-term friends might be considered "polyamorous" under broader usages of the word, but excluded from some of the tighter usages, since polyamorous relationships may or may not also be polyfidelitous (non-open, or faithful within the relationship).

I initially identified with polyfidelity and considered it the only legitimate form of polyamory but as has been the case many times throughout my learning processes with relationship models I have had to rethink, expand and remain open to possibilities. It’s been very difficult for me not to superimpose a monogamous model over a polyamorous model and remain free from cultural and upbringing bias when it comes to my thoughts about the broader definitions and implications of poly relationships, but fortunately I don’t have to go through this change and relationship development alone.

Having sex with multiple partners is not my motivating factor. I’ve been there and done that and while sex is a benefit to multiple relationships it is less important to me then creating and maintaining deep and meaningful relationships. This need for deep and meaningful relationships originated from my childhood and the inability to have a meaningful son-mother relationship because of her extremely emotional and physically abusive ways. My mistrust of adults in general and of woman in particular has its roots in my childhood and because of a history of dysfunctional relationships my perceptions of adults and women have been magnified and confirmed time and time again. On an intellectual level I can see this as a warped way of thinking colored by my unfortunate past but on emotional level I still fell deeply hurt and suspicious. We could probably attribute being attracted too and dating younger women at least partially to my childhood as well. It’s true that I like how a younger woman in her twenties looks physically and feels inside and out. I also feel younger when in their presence but on an emotional level I feel safer. I have always sought safety in my relationships but have rarely ever found it and even then it was fleeting. Some might say that I feel emotionally safer around younger women because I am emotionally superior but this is not true. If anything I am intellectually over developed and emotionally under developed. My emotional development was greatly hindered in my childhood and is probably less developed then most the younger women I date. I feel more comfortable emotionally around younger women because emotionally I feel there is less of an emotional gap and I feel more equal and therefore safe. I realize that this thought process is an erroneous perception of general reality but is very real as it relates to me. It is my reality, it is the way I feel and live it.

Some may say that I feel intellectually superior to the younger women I date and therefore feel I have more control over them or over the relationship at large. While this does have some merit I have always felt intellectually superior in the broadest sense of the term to anyone I have ever met. This sounds very egotistical and it is. I don’t know trivia, I know how the universe relates to me. Intellectually I live in a world that is much different then most people could ever imagine. It consists of abstract thought clashing with concrete reason flavored with philosophical and spiritual ingredients that borders on insanity and barely tethers me to this reality. The only intellectual equals that I have found are the several different personalities that exist in my primary ego and that are very real and important to my life. I wouldn’t consider myself schizophrenic however I am open to the idea of having schizophrenic tendencies and that is why the last time I underwent a psychological evaluation and testing I answered the questions “carefully.” After all crazy is as crazy does and I’m not crazy merely creative.

Three relationships is about all I can really manage at this point and hats off to those who have several. Imagine if I were dating all my personalities, now that would be crazy!

I imagine that my childhood compartmentalized dealings with my mother contribute to having more then one valid personality as well as the extreme hormonal imbalance I have experienced over the course of my life. Combine that with being an introvert and a over active imagination and presto! Well there you go I’m not crazy after all.

Thursday July 29, 2010

I go over to Alice’s apartment she’s ready to have a face to face talk. I’m glad that we have got this far and hope our relationship gets back on track. Despite the set back of a few weeks ago I still have deep feelings for Alice and connect with her on many levels. We had a long talk and were able to clarify both perspectives and feelings. We were able to communicate both are needs and our fears as well as our intentions for the future of our relationship. I walked away from our meeting very much in love.

Friday July 23, 2010

I spend time with Elli but we remain emotionally distant. Our relationship has changed in so many ways. We “check in” and it is a sad time of revelation. I wonder if anything will ever be the same?

Thursday July 22, 2010

Again I am alone with my thoughts and frustrations. I read and do a little writing and go to bed early.

Saturday July 18, 2010

The day slips through my hands and I don’t get any writing done. I really miss writing my blog and my short story.

Friday July 17, 2010

Elli and I create a “check in” time. It is a safe time that we can “check in” with each other and talk about what is going good in life and our relationship as well as what is bugging us or what we think needs improvement. We practice active listening and allow each other time to tell what’s on our mind before the other one responds. We don’t yell or be passive aggressive, instead we communicate openly and honestly. The “check in” lasts four hours and I walk away with a better understanding of myself and more importantly of her.

Thursday July 16, 2010

Generally I go over to Alice’s and spent time with her but not tonight. She’s still processing the event from a few weeks ago. Still I call her and talk to her about Elli’s and my blowout and Alice helps me to finally realize how I violated Elli’s emotional trust, why she feels that way and why I don’t. First and foremost though I’m entitled to my own opinion about their relationship I don’t need to constantly grate it. Seconded their relationship is their own it doesn’t have to mean anything or make sense to me because it is not mine. Lastly Elli values my opinion and thoughts and when I speak negatively about her relationships, she takes it as a personal failure in both relationships and it hurts her to her core. Elli and I see the world very differently. In order for her to feel validated she needs me to love every little thing about her and love her unconditionally. By me rejecting in whole or in part her relationship with Amy I was essentially rejecting her as a person. I on the other hand can love, be indifferent or not love things about a person but still love them as a whole and be okay with that. It is simply a different approach to relationships and to life it is also a point of contention during communication with Elli and I.

Wednesday July 15, 2010

I still haven’t heard from Evey no return texts or phone calls. I hope she is okay.

Tuesday July 14, 2010

Renee should be back from Europe soon. It will be good to see her again after all this time. I wonder if we will be able to reconnect and if so if we can have a deep and meaningful sexual and emotional relationship? How am I going to fit another relationship into my schedule? If so can I really take on another relationship? I’m getting ahead of myself, I just need to take it as it comes and try not to force it either way.

Sunday July 11, 2010

Common sense seeps back into my stubborn mindset and I am more rational. I still do not fully understand why Elli feels that I emotionally violated her trust? I just told her how I felt about her relationship with Amy but my thoughts on their relationship have never changed they have always been consistent and exactly the same. I was also honest about how I felt their relationship negatively affected ours and gave concrete examples. I wasn’t very sensitive during my presentation but does this constitute a violation of emotional trust? I guess I feel as if I either have to be very subtle or sugarcoat things for Elli otherwise it becomes an emotional tempest that I am ill prepared to deal with. I guess I really don’t feel that connected to her anymore. Still… I just don’t get it, I just don’t understand. I violated her emotional trust? What the fuck does that mean???

Saturday July 10, 2010

When Elli returns home from work we again go back and forth. Now it is her turn to hurt me and she does. Emotionally I feel very abandon, lost and confused. I go to bed wishing that I would have never become so emotionally vulnerable to her. I sincerely regret moving in with her. I feel trapped…

Friday July 9, 2010

I get into a huge argument with Elli. It is by far the most significant and hurtful argument we have ever had. I throw both caution and common sense out the window and speak from emotional frustration and brutal honesty. My words are cruel and unforgiving they cut like a sharp knife and are buried deep within her heart. In my selfishness I feel relieved…

Thursday July 8, 2010

Elli is with Amy tonight over at Amy’s place and I take the night to myself. I watch a documentary, read and surf the net. I think about my past, present and future. I go to bed frustrated.

Wednesday 7, 2010

I talk to Alice again on the way home from the gym. She is still very upset and needs to continue to vent. It is important for her to let me know how angry and hurt she is and how vulnerable she feels. She needs for me to hear how she would handle the situation if it were one of her boys that had sent the text. At this point she is not ready to hear and is unable to his how her actions contribute to the outcome of the weekend. She doesn’t want to take ownership for her part or apologize for her behavior. I however do take ownership for my part and apologize again and told her what I could have and will do differently if the situation ever comes up again. Will Alice take accountability for her actions? I don’t know for sure but the future of our relationship really is dependent on her being honest about her motives and taking responsibility for her actions. Today she wasn’t receptive to any sort of message and so no matter how many times I would have repeated something she didn’t want to hear she wouldn’t have heard it. I’m not going to let it slide by any means but timing and delivery of a message are crucial and so I’m going to wait patiently for a few days before expressing how my thoughts on her perceived motives, actions and double standards. My intent is not to punish her but to help strengthen our relationship and help her grow as an individual.

Hopefully we will be able to meet next week and I will share with her “What Poly Means to Me” and encourage her to share with me what it means to her. We have had conversations around this before but this will be the first time I have had my thoughts written down on paper and have a written down clearly and thoughtfully my expectations and boundaries and why they are important to me. I want to make sure that from here on out Alice and I are on the same page with personal expectations and boundaries concerning relationships in general and ours in particular.

I shared the rough draft of “What Poly Means to Me” with Elli before she went to bed. She was very receptive to it and encouraged me to expand upon it.

Tuesday July 6, 2010

Alice reaches out to me and texts me wanting to talk about situation on Saturday. I call her on my way to the doctor’s office. Over all the conversation was good and allowed her to vent and allowed me to get a better perspective in general and to think about what could have been done differently by everyone.

Monday July 5, 2010

I talked to Elli again about the events of Saturday. I was still very frustrated and disappointed in the outcome. I took some of the frustrated and disappointed out on her. I also told her that having Amy over every week wasn’t working for me anymore and offered a compromise. Amy could come over and spend the night one week and Elli could go up to Amy’s place the following week giving them their private bounding time and me a much needed night alone by myself. An introvert needs at least bare minimum one day a week completely alone where they can recharge their battery, reflect and make sense of the world around them. I could easily do two or three days to myself but my life is not structured to facilitate that at the moment. I don’t dislike humanity after all I work in the humanities field in a job that I very intense and unforgiving but I do need time completely by myself. Elli agreed to accommodate my request starting today.

I also fully realized for perhaps the first time that Elli truly does structure her life to accommodate my needs, wants and desire even if it is a huge inconvenience or unfair because she strives to make me happy and my happiness is paramount to her. When I am happy it makes Elli happy. Structuring her life around mine gives her a great deal of happiness and satisfaction. Her extreme devotion to my happiness is both rewarding and deeply gratifying. Even tough she takes less of a lead role in our relationship she still sees it as equal. She gave me the example of how a mother oftened puts her children’s needs first without being submissive or surrendering the power dynamics. This prespective makes better sense but I still have a hard time wrapping my mine around such extreme devotion and how it can be so gratifying. It is in many ways completely foreign to me. Elli does not require me to completely understand the concept or her reasoning behind her gift. What she desires is for me to accept her gift of devotion for what it is and accept her for who she is. Elli is the first person who I have ever known who loves and accepts me unconditionally without any reservation. I don’t think I know how to reciprocate such intensity of love and devotion of the spirit but I need to try. The biggest reason the power dynamics are the way they are in our relationship is because Elli chooses to express her love in both big and even small yet important things like tucking me into bed because I didn’t get this act of love and nurturing when I was a child. It is something special and unique that Elli can share with me.

As for myself I have always strived to make our relationship fair and balanced even going so far as to try and fix things in our relationship that aren’t even broke in the name of fairness. I did not fully comprehend the subtle and far reaching effects and extent of Elli’s commitment and devotion. These two opposing views oftened become a point of contention in our relationship even over small things. Elli in many ways wants to be in a passive yet equal role and I want her to be an active equal partner from my perspective and this is sometimes a point of frustration for the both of us.

The solution? I encourage Elli to show her devotion in a passive role and accept her unique gift of devotion and take pleasure in what our relationship has to offer. Being poly affords me the opportunity to seek out another relationship, not to replace Elli’s but to compliment it by having an equal active partner thereby getting that personal need of mine met.

Being dominant, equal, submissive active or passive in a relationship is not inherently a good thing or bad thing they are simply different roles a person either consciously or unconsciously assumes in a relationship and play out to various extremes. Though most people will cycle through the roles they will tend have to one role that feels more natural and predominates the relationship in the long-term. Without proper self-awareness any role can be exploited and become unhealthy and even detrimental to all parties involved. How do you go about such a relationship in a healthy manner? Trust, honesty and communication, knowledge balanced by wisdom and tempered by the heart. These are crucial materials for building a solid foundation for a relationship but are by no means the only ingredients for successfully relationship. Those ingredients are often as unique as the relationship themselves and can take some trial and error to find but contribute to the processes of self-discover both in one’s self and one’s relationship

Sunday, July 4, 2010

I am disappointed in how things turned out between Elli and Alice. I wonder if this whole poly thing is really worth the effort and time investment. Perhaps Renee who gets back from Europe in a few weeks will be a better fit for me and the relationship I desire to have.

I have done a lot of thinking about expectations, boundaries and “What Poly Means to Me” and for the first time have written these out and intend to share with both Elli and my future relationships.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

I talk more to Elli about the events of last night and the perception that Alice simply was trying to make me feel jealous by wanting to spend the night (in Elli’s bed). Elli was upset feeling used and angry about the hypocrisy of the situation. I encouraged Elli to wait at least 24 hours so she could let the emotional gamut run its course then share her feelings about that in a conversation with Alice. Elli jumped the gun and sent a text to Alice that night and then Alice shot a text to me and long story short Elli shut down, Alice shut down and I’m shut out. I was completely shut out and ironically I was the only one who was verbally communicating with all parties and keeping my emotions in check.

Friday July 2, 2010

This evening I had a date night with Evey. I met her at her apartment and she cooked me dinner. We caught up on our lives over the last month and I told her of my new relationship with Alice. Alice and Evey know each other from the fetish scene but are not really friends. Evey and I also talked about what kind of sexual play her dominant would allow us to have together and as a courtesy to my other relationship I sent a text to both Elli and Alice asking if they had and issue with me having limited sexual play with Evey. Think oral and masturbation as opposed to penetration.

Elli of course was completely ok with it and was encouraging as always and Alice gave the ok but I could tell by her text she had reservations. I again attempted to clarify and offered a dialog with Alice but she didn’t take me up on the offer. Evey and I then proceeded to a friends wedding party then returned to her apartment to play. On the way home Alice texted me, asking me if it were ok to bring her dog over to spend the night. This wasn’t planned mind you and I took it as Alice was uncomfortable with me being with Evey so Alice was going to make me uncomfortable by spending the night in Elli’s bed. Needless to say I put my plans with playing with Evey on hold and called Alice where we talked for over an hour. She was insecure stemming from her past two breakups and also being a hypocrite without admitting to it. Remember she slept with Ryan after only 3weeks I have been seeing Evey consistently for over several months. Alice knew about Evey from the very beginning I was always honest and up front. My night ended on a stressful note.

Thursday July 1, 2010

Went to see Dr Grossman again. My testosterone level went down a bit and my estrogen went up another 10 points so I was told to double up on my weekly dosage of Anastrazole. I also elected to begin to take 0.5mg of Human Chorionic Gonadotropin intravenously once daily. In males, hCG helps restore and maintain testosterone production in the testes by mimicking LH and triggering the production and release of testosterone. The idea is to get my only testical to permanently produce double the amount of testosterone. Since the testical is smaller then average size it may not be able to fulfill such a request. It’s worth a shot before I under go Testosterone hormone replacement therapy that will be a life long therapy.

Latter I went over to Alice’s apartment. She was very stressed I could feel it as I approached her. We talked about her situation was Cleave at one point she got so upset she got up from the couch and went into the kitchen. I told her how I felt about my thoughts on what is swinging, poly and just being single. I told her how I felt about her sleeping with Ray after only knowing him for 3 weeks. I was not blaming or ordering her around rather I was sincere with my feelings and compared and contrasted her approach with Elli with that of Rays. Don't know how much she actually heard.

Friday 25, 2010

I had a date night with Elli and we ate dinner at the Tilted Kilt. I enjoyed the eye candy but reflected upon when I first seen Elli in her little Kilt. I remember thinking our paths will cross again and she will play a major role in my life. I am gifted in this manner and have only been wrong once in my lifetime. I’m very fortunate to have Elli in my life.

Thursday 24, 2010

I went and had more blood work again to check my testosterone and estrogen levels.

Wednesday June 23, 2010

Elli’s body and mind suffered from stress and was in need of a good beating. As I layed my canes out one by one I wished for a gag for her mouth and a length of rope for her limbs. She loves to squirm and she is loud, the new apartment affords us much less privacy then my condo did. The neighbors at the condominium were accustomed to the screams of pleasure and pain. Here in the apartment complex such tauntings of the soul were likely to summon the police. To complicate things even more we had a guest in Elli’s room a guest who would not be able to understand or appreciate BDSM play.

I would have rather just ravaged her body with my fists but we agreed upon the canes. As I unleashed the wooden canes on her flesh and felt her body struggle underneath them I fantasized about raping her anally. I breathed in deep the primal energy of fear and violence and tasted the temptations of a killer. It was here deep within the darkness of my being that I came to realize the sadist who I had imprisoned long ago but now decided to free. I had awakened the starving beast of the field a beast that now refuses to sleep.

Monday June 21, 2010 Alice and her heart.

I worked out with Alice at the gym putiing her through a tough leg rotunie that she handled very well. Latter we went back to her place and did some needle play and she did some canning to my calfs. I had the pleasure of playing with her young firm breasts and let my fingers roam the rest of her body. I haven’t had sex with Alice yet, our relationship was born from the brothels of tribulation and our romance of the flesh and spirit has been carefully cultivated in the gardens of love. In a world saturated by lust we are like virgins our hearts tender and innocent yet our desire is intense. I long for more then just her flesh I want to earn her trust and experience her love.

Friday May 28, 2010

Elli makes me homemade chicken noodle soup and reads me poetry from foot of my bed. I am fortunate to have her in my life. She is a woman of intelligence and great beauty and her love for me is unconditional.

Wednesday May 26 2010 What's it like to be a woman?

I had a few different Dr. appointments today but the most important was seeing DR. Grossman of the Male Care Center. He has been the only Doctor that I have seen that gave me a full examination, ran thorough blood work and listen to my concerns about how I felt.

The original problem began at birth. I was born with a bilateral hernia (both testicals were up inside of me) and while the testis sometimes descend on their own, mine never did. This caused a huge hormonal imbalance that was not addressed until my first of three surgeries beginning when I was thirteen. At first I had know idea that my testicals never descended and then I was terrible embarrassed that my friends had balls and I had none. I secretly hoped that they would magical appear but they never did.

The majority of circulating testosterone in men comes from production in the interstitial cells of Leydig at the testicles and since one of my testis were floating up inside of me and the other was imbedded in a muscle, my body primarily relied on the adrenal gland that could only produce a small amount of testosterone. The regulation of testicular production occurs via a negative feedback loop system involving the anterior pituitary, hypothalamus, and testicles; referred to as the hypothalamic-pituitary-testicular axis. The situation surrounding my bi-lateral hernia interfered with this feedback loop and slowly created a huge imbalance between the male testosterone hormone and the female estrogen hormone.

By the time I reached my preteens I “felt” inwardly like a female though outwardly I was obviously male. I preferred anal simulation to masturbation and derived great pleasure from self preformed fellatio. I was found of dressing up in bra’s, panties and high heels spending hours dressing up in front of a mirror or pouring over pornography and identifying as the woman. I felt extremely guilty and terrible confused I was undergoing a severe sexual identity crises and I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. I didn’t know how important the male testosterone hormone and the female estrogen hormone played out both in n internal sexual identification and physical genital formation after all I was a kid not even a teenager yet. For all knew I was a sinful freak of nature.

It was only after years of undergoing horrific pain that I would feel in my right side while running during gym class that finally lead me to approach my mother and demand going to see a Doctor. After a routine physical by a family practitioner I was immediately referred to a urologist. I never revealed to the urologist about my sexual identity struggle instead I kept this struggle a secret until my twenties and even then I watered down my concern. Meanwhile the urologist scheduled a surgery to correct this physical problem, time it seemed was of the essence. It was imperative that we attempt to save at least one testical though the outlook was not very good. The testicals work best a few degrees below the core temperature, one of the reasons they are located outside the body.

The plan for the initial surgery was to take down both testis but because the right side alone took over 12 hours (the testical was imbedded in a muscle) we had to reschedule the left side. I can honestly say that the pain I felt after the first surgery was by far the most pain I have felt during the entire course of my life. I have had Staph infection in my left arm and almost lost it and had the tip of my left finger chopped off but nothing compares to the pain I felt during the first hernia operation.

After the operation I had to be given testosterone shots for a few weeks because my testosterone levels were so low. I also had other shots to help kick start my testicals natural production, the doctors kept their fingers crossed. Months passed as we waited to see if the testical would take and it did. The testical was abnormally small but the little guy was producing testosterone. At age thirteen I began puberty as a male. Mentally I “felt” different then before, I guess you could say I felt like a guy and looked like a guy but I missed, even longed to be female. It’s difficult enough to go through puberty much less juggling your sexual identity and preference. I was born in a small city in Wyoming it was very much the Wild West. When I was a teen the minorities lived on the other side of town, we didn’t have openly gay people and I had no clue what transgender or transsexual were. All I knew is that I felt really, really fucked up in my head and I could never dream of talking about it to anyone so I suffered alone year after year. Meanwhile an attempt was made to bring down my left testical but it didn’t take and so I went through a third operation were they finally removed the left testical and replaced it with a prosthesis.

Tough my right side testical was producing testosterone my over all testosterone levels were on the low side and the doctors said that there would probably come a time when I would have to under go hormone replacement therapy but there was no clear indication as to when. Though I didn’t have a clue what a bi sexual was I spent my early teen years self medicating and sexually experimenting with girls and boys as I desperately tried to figure out if I was male, female or simply homosexual. Though I identified as a female during sex with males I was not really attracted to them. I enjoyed having an orgasm with a women but I didn’t really feel like a guy when I was having sex with them. I became even more confused. In my late teens something happen like a switched had been flipped. It was if one day I woke up and had been stripped of all things feminine. I thought like a guy, I felt like a guy and I fucked like a guy. I didn’t miss being a girl at all it was if my entire past was just a weird dream and nothing more. I spent the next few years with sexual clarity and no confusion but I began to have issues with homosexuals and suspected transvestites as my subconscious still struggled with who I was and who I had become.

In my mid twenties something familiar yet odd was happening again. I began to associate with a feminine self mentally with thoughts and especially sexually. Physically it “felt” like I was a female though I had a surprising well-developed penis. In a round about way I expressed concern about this to a doctor and explained my past operations so he did a testosterone test and while it did not come back extremely low, he didn’t think to run my estrogen level. Mind over matter I thought, so I denied how I “felt” as best I could and continued to self medicate. By my mid thirties I was pleasuring myself regularly anally and identified sexually with a woman. I was struggling with many things in my life during this period of time and being worried about turning into a woman was not in the forefront of my attention.

In my late thirties I entered into a completely new state of mental being, gender neutral. I didn’t really associate my self mentally or physically with a man or a woman. I went back to the doctor this time a female doctor explained the past operations and that internally and thought wise I didn’t feel right. When my testosterone test came back low but acceptable I asked to be referred to a specialist and was denied so I paid for one myself.

Enter present day with Grossman of the Male Care Center. I told him about my past and without nearly as much detail as here I told him of my past sexual and identity issues. He gave me a full examination, ran thorough blood work and listen to my concerns about how I felt. He went over treatment options and gave me a testosterone shot and told me I was very fortunate to have a fully developed penis. Most men with a similar issue have an under developed penis that is very small. I silently cursed the heavens I could have been John Holmes if my testicals would have descended! Well at least I still have a sense of humor.

Monday May 24, 2010

I spend the day with Ana (older) running errands and talking. The last few days have been very stressful for her. She didn’t give me a kiss hi or goodbye and though she did kneel at my feet at one point something extremely significant given the issues surrounding her former relationship she was for most of our time together distant.

Sunday May 23, 2010 Eve

I went to eat with Evey and then went to Confluence Park to watch the fire dancers. We held each other close and I felt connected to her. I was very thankful that I was able to spend time with her. When I dropped her off at her apartment I wanted to give her kiss but didn’t and simply departed with a hug.

Evey has issues with kissing from past relationships because it is a very intimate experience for her and the act makes her feel vulnerable. It’s true that in relationships people are intimate and can feel vulnerable however relationships can’t be forced and patience is a virtue. I’m not in a rush with my relationship with Evey after all she has stealth dated me for over six months so in the big scheme of things what’s a few more months?

Sunday Morning May 23, 2010 What I learned…

That each of us is human and no matter how loving or devoted, we all make mistakes.

Even though things are communicated in advance life does not always unfold according to plan.

Trust my emotion more, especially in the moment because if it doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t. I can always apologize latter if I am wrong but I cannot undo reality.

That I desire very solid and deep relationships first and foremost as opposed to casual sex. I’ve had a lot of sex in my life but few meaningful relationships.

Elli loves me very, very much and wouldn’t dream of deliberately sabotaging our relationship.

Rules of Engagement

Communicate with your significant other concerning expectations and boundaries before meeting with others.

The first meeting with others should be during the day, the earlier the better and should be over coffee or tea and provides an easy out should you need one.

Avoid alcohol consumption it interferes with social filters, awareness and inhibitions.

Lay down expectations for everyone up front.

Reinforce expectations.

If something deep down doesn’t feel right address it in the moment you may never get a seconded chance.