Tuesday May 18, 2010 writing contest

I am going to enter my first writing contest sponsored by http://stiryourtea.blogspot.com/ I thought it would be fun and challenging and it was. It’s a beginning of a story that I came up with completely on a whim. It was challenging because I tend to write adult themed stories filled with sex, drugs and serial killers but not with this piece. Nope, I wrote about a Johnny Do Good and I got extra points for using the following words esophagus, pterodactyl, arrowhead and laptop. It was a fun little project that exercised the mind. I might have to enter more contest who knows maybe one day I’ll win something down the road.

Johnny Do Good was his name and he rode his Segway through the esophagus of the Mall like a biker rides his Harley to Sturgis. Johnny named his electronic beast after his favorite dinosaur the Pterodactyl a fast and furious monster that commanded the ancient skies. Johnny was a free spirit but a man of determination and purpose. When he wasn’t reading his Batman comic books he was known to frequent his seconded home the Arrowhead Mall. Johnny felt a sense fraternal brotherhood with the other mall security personnel a bond that was evident by they way they choose to wear their Mountie hats. The hats conveyed a sense of adventure and attitude a small group of elite mall security officers giving directions and upholding mall policies. Risking life and limb, armed only with a laptop and a smile Johnny would saddle his beloved Pterodactyl and ride the beast down the darken services corridors were employees were known to roam. This is a bold story of a modern day hero, his Pterodactyl and the epic battle of good and evil.

Monday May 17, 2010 Evening with Anna

Spent the evening with Anna over at her place. We talked and took a long walk in a park then we went out for dinner and afterwards took another long walk. We finished off the night by cuddling and watching the movie The Cell a suspense thriller that combines fetishism and surrealism against a back drop of a dark dreamscape. I really like Anna and look forward to having a meaningful relationship with her. Anna isn’t meant to replace Elli I don’t intend on replacing relationships rather seek to compliment each other so that one person isn’t responsible for meeting all my needs, wants and desires.

Sunday May 16, 2010 Dinner

La Shonda (a previous girlfriend and still best friend) came over this evening and had dinner with Elli and I. We all had a good time hanging out, eating and talking. I’m fortunate that Elli is secure and comfortable enough with our relationship to be able to allow an ex-girlfriend over for dinner. It helps of course that she is remarried and has a child with her husband Josh :) It also helped that I was patient and proper with introduction in the very beginning.

Saturday May 15, 2010 reflection

Elli spent the night with Amy and Ana is spending the night with Chris so I stay at home by myself and enjoy a free night. After the gym I head back to the apartment cook myself dinner and decide to watch one of the several documentaries I got at the library. The one I watch is entitled Gang War: Bangin’ in Little Rock. Yes, Little Rock Arkansas where in 1994 the homicide rate was higher than in both New York and Los Angeles. Little Rock Arkansas a city of only a 177,000 with well over 50 different gangs held hostage by a problem it refused to admit for several years. I work with former and current gang members so I was familiar with the topic and mindset. I know all to well of the dysfunctional family and the anti-social behavior a hopeless and desperate youth thoroughly entrenched in the criminal mentality. The documentary was a sad reflection on today’s current social affairs and how truly little some of us value human life.

Friday May 14, 2010 full circle

Elli and I want to Went to Nikki’s poker party. It had been a long while since I’ve seen Nikki and though or break up wasn’t ugly a distance came between us since then. Why did Nikki and I break up? First and foremost I struggled with the power dynamics of the relationship that at the end of the day felt reminiscent of the power dynamics between my mother and I in my childhood. I also had difficulty feeling connected emotionally as a secondary relationship and finally I was under a terrible amount of stress and time constraint from my job. What have I learned since then? I’ve learned a great deal more about what my needs, wants and desires. I’ve learned that that the very first template of how to have a relationship that I was taught 30 years ago still has a profound influence on me. I’ve learned a lot about relationships, jealousy, and communication. I’ve learned that even though I’m a 39-year-old man in many ways I’m a very young boy who wants to be loved.

When I first arrived I was a bit anxious, not because of Elli and Nikki (that’s another story) but because of Elli and Anna. I wondered how Elli would react to Anna knowing that we had just been on a date a few days prior. I also wondered how Ana would act towards Elli. The girls like each other very much and I quickly realized that I was not only over thinking the situation but projecting my own insecurities out on them from prior relationships. I checked in with Elli before we went to bed and Anna called me the next day to also check in. Communication, it’s important.

I said my goodbyes and gave Nikki a big hug before we left. Nikki said she missed me very much and that I was one of her favorite masochist. She said she didn’t hold any grudges or have any bad feelings and hope to see more of Elli and I. Nikki appeared very happy with her two boys and their dominant/submissive relationship dynamic. I was happy for her but somewhere deep down I silently wished that I could have provided that for Nikki but that’s not me and I have to continue to be true to myself.

Thursday May 13, 2010 our day

I spent the day with Elli and we went and toured the Celestial Seasoning tea manufacturing plant in Boulder. We sampled tea looked at artwork and toured the plant and I was able to experience a wide variety of spices that smell change every few feet. I love spending time with Elli. We didn’t get a chance to role-play in the evening but we did a fisting scene and that was very, very hot!!!

Wednesday 12, 2010 emotional tide

Today I was almost moved to tears during therapy. I hate when that happens and though I have yet to cry in therapy I probably should at some point. I’m sure it would be a huge relief for me. I always promise myself I’ll cry later and later never comes and that emotional tempest is shoved further down in me. Ultimately in order for me to continue to grow on a personal level I’ll need to confront the emotions of my childhood and make peace with them. I also will have to forgive others and in so really forgive myself. I have done this a hundred times with my mind but never once with my heart. I am afraid…

Tuesday 11, 2010 date with Anna

I went on a date with Anna this evening. When I first arrived at her house I was a bit shy. I get like that sometimes when I’m emotional connected to someone but that I haven’t seen very much lately. She sensed it immediately and we talked about it and the shyness slowly melted away. We discussed our past relationships the possibilities of or current relationship and about some of our needs, wants and desires. We had dinner and talked for along time in the car we held hands and kissed. At one point we were driving past the Mall where Elli works and for a moment I almost said, “Hey let’s go see Elli,’ but I remembered I was with Anna and should be spending my time exclusively with her so I didn’t make the suggestion. When we got back to Anna’s apartment we talked more and then Anna said, “Is Elli working tonight?” I said yes and Anna said, “Well let’s go see her.” So Anna and I went and visited with Elli and then Anna dropped me off at my car and I raced Elli home but she beat me. Elli said she was really appreciated that we stopped by and say hi and she was glad to see me happy.

Saturday May 8, 2010 reflection

Elli and I met Anna and her boyfriend Chris for dinner at an Italian restaurant to celebrate Annas 23^rd birthday. It has been a long while since I have hung out with Anna. I have a good connection with Anna and in fact we grew close at one point and considered dating but she was already dating 3 other guys and had some reservations about how dateing me would affect her relationship with Nikki. After dinner we enjoyed the nightlife that Broadway had to offer. Chris and I had good conversation Elli and Anna flirted and Anna and I flirted it was a good night.

Friday, May 7, 2010 under pressure

My therapist (behind every good man is a great therapist) asked me an interesting question today. She asked me if being polyamours put pressure on me to have more then one-relationship especially in light of the fact that Elli has a girlfriend. I had to think about that one for a minute it was a really good question and I suppose there is a bit of pressure in a sense. Being new to the poly-lifestyle I have an inherent desire to have additional relationships for their own sake and quality of life they will bring to others and myself rather then as a strict competition with Elli or obligation of being polyamours in general. Still at this stage in my new relationship dynamics I do feel as if I put a bit of pressure on myself to actually have other relationships so that I can “know” and “experience” what the poly-lifestyle has to offer. Sometimes I make myself feel rushed to have other relationships as if it is a “now” or “never” type situation. Remember I’m a novice not a veteran at this lifestyle and its still pretty much touch and go. I’m still very eager bright eyed and bushy tailed. I want to taste the joys and even experience the drawbacks that simultaneous relationships have to offer but I truly believe that after I have the opportunity to have a few meaningful simultaneous relationships that I will be able to have one or many without feeling that pressure from myself. Meaningful Simultaneous Relationships? Now just what the hell does all that entail? Good question, I’ll have to address that in another post.

Thursday, May 6, 2010 First Amendment

Elli and I watched a very interesting documentary this evening entitled Larry Flynt: The Right to Be Left Alone. I was familiar of course with Flynts controversial Hustler magazine and had watched the movie, The People vs. Larry Flint many years ago so some of the topics covered in the documentary were familiar. However watching the documentary with its rare television footage and in-depth interviews with Flynt him-self

in a political climate when our civil liberties are continuously being eroded and challenged by the fear mongers and zealots gave me a better appreciation of our civil liberties. I also found myself giving great deal more respect for a man who has devoted most his adult life to defending those civil liberties. Sure Flynt is a sensational smut peddler whose satire is offend deemed as offensive stating, “If the First Amendment will protect a shitbag like me, it will protect all of you” but that is really one of the basis of his beliefs. As Flynt points out in the documentary if the speech isn’t offensive it really doesn’t require protection. Flynt has often took this position to an extreme but few can argue that his epic First Amendment court battles and self-sacrifice over the past 30 years have not contributed to expanding the parameters of freedom of speech and exposed the hypocrisy in government. Flynt maybe an odd choice for a champion of First Amendment rights but the documentary gives an insightful, entertaining if not exhaustive look as to why this is so and love him or hate him his importance in defending and expanding First Amendment rights cannot be denied.

As a writer of sometimes-controversial material myself the documentary Larry Flynt: The Right to Be Left Alone comes highly recommended.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010 catching up

Elli’s girl friend Amy is coming over to spend the night, which is really a blessing because it gives me time to catch up on my email, blogs and writing. I even went so far as to make her bed and put the toys, lube and towels right next to it. I want them to enjoy their night together and I want to enjoy my night alone. Don’t get me wrong I love Elli and they did invite me to join in but tonight I think they would do well to have some one-on-one time and I could really benefit by having a night to myself.

We have a great set up that works for us. We have two separate bedrooms on opposites sides of our apartment with their own bathrooms. We can choose to sleep together or separate and the same goes for sex & relationships.

Tuesday May 4, 2010 happiness near

When Elli arrives home from work I’m doing some research on the net and a little writing. Elli comes in the room we hug and kiss then she sits on my bed. I return to writing and she lies down but remains silent. She loves to be near me and will often sit for hours watching me do chores or write without ever saying a word. I never met anyone who was so happy just to be near to me. Sometimes I ask her what her plans are? That’s me saying I need alone time and as if on cue she smiles and says, “I’ll be in my room” and leaves without complaint. I love her so very much!

Monday May 3, 2010 heart so sad

I felt Elli’s heart was sad, so I held her tight in my arms and spent the entire night in her bed. We didn’t talk just slept and all the worlds’ problems drifted away.

Sunday May 2, 2010 Children in poly life

Elli had her kids over for the greater part of the day. Good kids over all but loud like the youthful spirits they are. One child was plenty enough for me. My daughter, now 18 and completely on her own was a handful to say the least but despite the turbulent waters of life and the struggles that our relationship faced it all panned out in the end.

While Elli’s youngest (I call her Bella) is always happy to spend time with her mom and see me Elli’s oldest (I call her Ann) who is quickly approaching her teens blames me for her parents separation. While Ann knows intellectually I was not the cause of the divorce emotionally she needs someone safe to blame. True Elli does have a girlfriend that her daughters are both aware of but Elli moved in with me.

I spoke to Elli about Ann’s non-verbals after the girls had gone. Though Elli chalked up the general attitude towards becoming a teenager, which I agreed too but Elli was not aware of the non-verbals. At the moment it’s fine however when Ann begins to come over to the apartment after school to do her homework while she waits for a ride back home is where I think the most potential of trouble is going to be. Sure, Ann is entitled to be angry and to grieve and processes through the entire spectrum of emotions she has concerning the matter but all the adults in the situation need to share in Ann’s emotional well being and growth including her mother and father even if it’s inconvenient.

Anyway I should explore the challenges faced by people who have children and practice a non-conventional relationship model in another post.

Saturday May 1, 2010 Circus Bizarre

I ventured to the Rev Jim's Aural Celebration of the Bizarre, at the Oriental Theater this evening with Elle J of Narcisstic Intentions photography. Domina Elle was going to have a balloon demo and my Elli is going to be one of six scantly clad women who are going to climb inside a giant balloon hopefully breaking the old record of five held by a fellow on the East coast by the name of Balloon Head.

Elle J and I arrive at the Oriental Theater at 8pm well ahead of my Elli and the balloon troupe. The theater was reminiscent of a seedy run down XXX Theater back in the day. The Oriental Theater had a dark character marred with old rumors and a troubled past. It would be perfect environment for some fun sexy photographs! There was live music most notable was Windows Bane whose, lyrics and use of traditional instruments like the violin and cello reminded me of Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds with the added zombie attire that complimented Windows Bane personality well. Ooh La La Burlesque was also a nice addition to the live music it was sexy Burlesque show with a punk rock attitude that left me drooling in one of the many dark corners. Finally Domina Elle and the balloon troupe hit the stage for a fun sexy balloon demo. Jerry & Elle J manned the video cameras while I was front and center with a point and shoot camera and boy did I ever point and shoot! They didn’t beat the record on this night only 4 women and 1 male (Mr. Knotty) before the balloon popped. One of the reasons I think they didn’t beat the record tonight was the balloon troupe had to wear clothes at this venue (tape over the nipples and booty shorts) which got caught repeatedly on the opening of the giant balloon. Another reason is that a few of the girls haven’t had much practice with the whole balloon act but they will! It’s only a matter of time before they break the record.

Friday April 30th 2010 Alone time

Talked to Elli about the reasons for me needing alone time. The first reason is because of the initial template that I used in my childhood. Shared time with others was limited. Only alone time was actually safe my abusive mother shaped this template more then anyone else. I also spoke to Elli about the other reason for me wanting to sleep alone and that had to do with the dynamics of our relationship that had changed. While I was aware of her relationship with her (then) husband and her current girlfriend Amy I never really had to see it or directly experience either of them. Now that Elli and I have moved in together the reality of seeing Amy with Elli and having Amy spend nights are real and tangible. When Elli had Amy spend the very first night at our new apartment I wondered silently if I had made a big mistake moving in with Ell. By not sleeping with her it would create a sort of distance that I need in order to process this latest change and taken to an extreme would have made it a bit easier if I chose to modify or end our relationship.

I picked up Evey fom work and we went by her new place so that I could get a chance to see it and so she could shower. It was a small but cute studio on Capital Hill close to the night life and pulse of the city. Next we headed back to my place, we had planned on playing (BDSM) for a bit while we waited to hear back from her primary to see his restrictions on our sexual interlude however we ended up talking for hours about her past and present and relationships in general. I really enjoyed my time with her even if we didn’t end up having sex. Maybe next time :)