Friday May 14, 2010 full circle

Elli and I want to Went to Nikki’s poker party. It had been a long while since I’ve seen Nikki and though or break up wasn’t ugly a distance came between us since then. Why did Nikki and I break up? First and foremost I struggled with the power dynamics of the relationship that at the end of the day felt reminiscent of the power dynamics between my mother and I in my childhood. I also had difficulty feeling connected emotionally as a secondary relationship and finally I was under a terrible amount of stress and time constraint from my job. What have I learned since then? I’ve learned a great deal more about what my needs, wants and desires. I’ve learned that that the very first template of how to have a relationship that I was taught 30 years ago still has a profound influence on me. I’ve learned a lot about relationships, jealousy, and communication. I’ve learned that even though I’m a 39-year-old man in many ways I’m a very young boy who wants to be loved.

When I first arrived I was a bit anxious, not because of Elli and Nikki (that’s another story) but because of Elli and Anna. I wondered how Elli would react to Anna knowing that we had just been on a date a few days prior. I also wondered how Ana would act towards Elli. The girls like each other very much and I quickly realized that I was not only over thinking the situation but projecting my own insecurities out on them from prior relationships. I checked in with Elli before we went to bed and Anna called me the next day to also check in. Communication, it’s important.

I said my goodbyes and gave Nikki a big hug before we left. Nikki said she missed me very much and that I was one of her favorite masochist. She said she didn’t hold any grudges or have any bad feelings and hope to see more of Elli and I. Nikki appeared very happy with her two boys and their dominant/submissive relationship dynamic. I was happy for her but somewhere deep down I silently wished that I could have provided that for Nikki but that’s not me and I have to continue to be true to myself.